The Cardboard Man.

Happy 2012 everyone!! We hope you all had a fantastic holiday season, and got to munch on a lot of tasty treats and get fun presents. Now, for those of you who had no one to smooch at midnight, do not fear!! It is a new year, full of new people and new opportunities.

And, what is the most common thing that happens around new years? Besides the smooching, the most popular thing is to make some good new years resolutions! That is where our great blogger e.dm comes in with a fantastic resolution to help with your 2012 hunny hunt! Here she is with a great article on making sure that your list of goals has some personality to it!

Take it away e.dm!

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The piece of cardboard dude is the guy who thinks he’s awesome. This is because he’s probably in dental school, or med school, or getting his MBA. This is because he knows he goes to church every Sunday. He got his eagle. He served a mission. He’s nice to people in public places.

None of these things are bad. Let me say that again, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ANY ONE ITEM ON THAT LIST. They are a few items off a GIGANTIC list of awesome things people can do in their life.

The problem with the cardboard dude is that he does all those things because it’s a list. I mean, maybe he wanted to go on a mission. He probably desired to get his MBA. He worked hard. It’s just that along the way, something about the “why” got lost. Which isn’t really a problem, except why we do things develops into who we are—which equals our personality.

Even then, being the cardboard man isn’t all that bad in everyday life, but it surfaces in the dating world in sad ways. For example, a cardboard dude expects girls to fall over him because he does everything “right.” I often run into guys who complain that they can’t find a girl, even though they “have everything a girl is looking for! Money, charm, education!” But, that isn’t everything! Personality, individuality and honesty also are huge wants for girls. It’s often difficult to make connections with a cardboard dude because his actual personality is underdeveloped and flat.

THE GOOD NEWS!

If you suspect you might be a piece of cardboard, don’t worry—all is not lost. Two items will help you eek slowly into the “interesting guy” range.

1. Try new things & find stuff you are interested in– and then pursue it. Few things are more attractive than a man who does interesting things.
2. Love people. Paul was not messing around when he said that nothing matters if you don’t have charity. Sometimes actually really loving people takes practice—

The interesting thing is that #1 and #2 are not really separate. As you open yourself to really love people, you start thinking more stuff is interesting and doing more interesting things. You  then have more (positive) stuff to talk about, and you become more interested in the other things that people do themselves and their lives.

And then, you can probably persuade someone to swoon over you. But more importantly: you’ll be able to fall in love, and will be the type of person you would want to love you.

***don’t worry, there are also cardboard girls. So, if you don’t want to change, just date them. But if you are wanting a more sincere partner, then take a good look in the mirror and make a resolution to develop who you are first!

Don’t be just the nice guy

First: there is a difference between a nice guy and a good guy.

I’m not sure how to let you know if you are a “nice” guy. Most of the time though, nice-guys are described as being someone who is always friendly, thoughtful, and there for you, but never making any strong moves in dating. A nice-guy lacks that aura of confidence and drive.

Also, you may end up being the the guy[space]friend a lot of the time, instead of the boyfriend.

On one end of the spectrum is the player, on the other is the nice-guy. Both are extremes. One creates no trust, the other creates no passion. (Both prohibit a relationship.)

You want to be in somewhere in the middle, in a range we call, “the good guy.” And! the good news is it’s super easy for nice guys to slide into that section of the spectrum.

The good guy knows how to respect women while also respecting himself. He doesn’t get distracted by girls who mess with his head, and he doesn’t waste time on a girl who can’t appreciate him. In other words, he dates women, instead of just being their friend.

Second: Women want a man who acts for himself.

This doesn’t mean ignoring others or refusal to compromise. It’s the responsible use of agency—and it just means that a guy is confident. It looks like a guy who knows what he wants, and knows how to organize it. Good men want good things, and they get them with kindness, fairness, and soul-slicing sweetness.

A good guy doesn’t have to be extremely handsome, smooth with words, athletic, coordinated, or wealthy to have this kind of x-factor confidence. A good guy doesn’t have to have a six-pack. He doesn’t even have to have a nice car. He just has to know he’s capable. Or at least act like he’s capable.

Girls frequently mistake arrogance for confidence, and it causes them a whole lot of issues.  That’s why you see good girls falling over and over for the guys who only want make-outs. Players use arrogance to feed their own insecurities and manipulate girls. A player knows what he wants. And he knows he can get it. It’s really dysfunctional, but some girls misunderstand the “want” part and swoon for the “knowing” part. Hopefully, someday they’ll learn.

In the meantime, you should stop being just the nice guy, and be the guy girls talk about in hushed whispers at late-night dinner parties.

Third: How to slide into the Good Guy Range

1. Make changes in your life that will give you more confidence. If you feel awkward—take Karate or Tae Kwan Do. If you feel boring—diversify: learn a new skill, take up a new sport, read articles and magazines that have nothing to do with your major. If you never know what to say to women—just ask them about themselves [more about this topic here & here].
2. Exercise. Don’t ever underestimate the power of a good work-out. This gets its own bullet point because exercise is the magical unicorn ingredient to confidence. It just is.
3. Give her space. This one is tricky but key. And even though, players use it all the time to play games with girls minds, good guys use it to just be normal and create a healthy amount of desire.  It probably deserves its own post, but it looks like this: You ask a girl in your ward out on a Friday night. You have a really great time. On Sunday, you say hi—ask her briefly about something you talked about on your date (or something), and then you move on and talk to other people. In between Sunday and your next date, do not treat her any different than any other friend or acquaintance. When you see her, say hi. What this means to her: your dates are something to look forward to 🙂
4. Your happiness doesn’t depend on her reciprocated interest. It’s really difficult, but don’t let your ego get in the way—if a girl is not interested, you have to move on. Incorporating the principles of #1 & #2 will help with this.  Girls can sense when a guy is self-assured and happy. It’s extremely double attractive. It’s the element players fake with arrogance all the time. Don’t fake it. Just be it: If at any point it becomes clear that she’s not interested in a relationship with you, move on. This creates two situations: 1. you don’t waste your time. 2. she may realize you’re not like other guys she’s dated (who put up with her game-playing antics). She’ll realize you’re awesome—and she’ll want to date you. Either way: you have a happy life.

You can do it! (may the force be with you…)

Never Talk About Money

Bringing up the cost of dinner, the tip, how much you make at work, your lack of funds, or how draining dates are on your wallet is, as Dave sometimes says, No Bueno. It’s minus one million points.

You may not be able to recover from dropping a money related comment.

A story:

One time this totally awesome guy from my ward asked me out. He was cute, he was smart, he had a life plan, and I was really excited to go out with him. We were going to a football game on a double date with some other people he knew. The plan was to go to Carl’s Jr. and then walk to the stadium. Since it was such a casual date, Carl’s Jr. seemed totally appropriate.

I ordered something probably called, “The southwest guacamole burger.”  Including fries, the meal couldn’t have cost more than $5.

While we were eating with his friends, sitting in the booth, we were talking about our delicious burgers. And then, he said, “Yeah, I’ve been saving up for this date for a couple of weeks.”  Then he said something about the expense of my burger.

I suddenly realized he’d ordered something from the dollar menu…

I felt awful. I mean, we were at Carl’s Jr.—I didn’t even think something might be too expensive. I honestly felt really bad.

What you learn:

1. Make a picnic lunch if you can’t afford eating out.
2. Most normal girls (the kind who won’t go crazy after you marry them) gauge what they order off the price range of what you order. But, if you take a girl to the Olive Garden and she orders the most expensive entree on the menu—don’t say one single word. If it ticks you off—just don’t take her out again.

Another story:

One time I went out with this guy. I wasn’t really sure if we were a match, but I was super intrigued by him. He was brilliant—and I always sort of love a guy who can discuss quantum physics. On our way to the date activity, we were going to stop and get something to eat. As we were driving down 5th south in Salt Lake City, he said, “Is it okay if we go to Cafe Rio?” And then as a side comment, “I don’t have very much money.”

He was just nervous. The side comment was probably word vomit. But, it doesn’t change the result—I became a financial burden. All flirtatious energy was deleted forever.

What you learn:

1. Never make the girl feel like a financial burden because she’ll want to make your life easier and not go out with you again. We’re not offended. We just feel really really bad.
   
2. Money-stress is not conducive to feeling flirtatious.

Another story:

One time I went out with this guy, and as we were walking off the front porch, he took a paycheck out of his pocket and handed it to me. He said, “I have to cash this before my trip.” And then he took it back.

What you learn:

1. Just like its impolite to ask how much money someone makes, it’s impolite to tell someone how much money you make. If a girl asks you how much you make before she’s your exclusive girlfriend—it’s an absolute RED FLAG. Do not take her out again.
   
2. Most normal girls do not care how much money you make or don’t make. They do care if you have goals and motivation. These sorts of things reveal themselves naturally in conversations.
3. If you talk about how much you make (or don’t make), she will think you’re insecure.
4. Insecurity about money is the kiss of death.

The key is confidence. You don’t have to brag. You don’t need the self-conscious side comments. Just let it be. The best thing about a date is that its designed to be persuasive. It’s really not about how much money is spent or not spent. And it’s definitely not about how much money you make at work.

If you can take a girl to dinner or the symphony or tubing down the river—if you can organize it, if you can have polite conversation, if you can open her doors—you win. YOU WIN! Even if she is not into you—she will be impressed that you were able to conduct yourself with confidence and kindness. And she will tell her friends.

And if she’s into you—you’ll get a second date.

See also: Blatant Budgeting & Tip Karma

Ask the Proxies: What does it mean if she talks about old boyfriends

I have a roommate who thinks it’s a good sign if a girl talks about ex-boyfriends on the first couple dates. Sometimes he gauges her level of interest based on how much she tells him about what happened. I think it’s weird. Am I wrong? Why do girls talk about their exes?—Email question from Anonymous in Draper.

Talking about or complaining about previous relationships is never a good idea on the first couple of dates. What guy wants to hear about some other guy over dinner?

Your roommate might think this is a good sign, but really it’s just a sign that she’s not over the ex yet. It’s a sign that she’s a little immature, and probably overly dramatic. Her willingness to share stories has nothing to do with interest and everything to do with sympathy & easy validation.

My friends and I call it the Cheeto theory, and it applies to men and women equally: Bonding over stories about the guy or girl you dated 3 years ago is like eating a huge, grocery-store bag of Cheetos.

It is. Once you start talking —you can’t stop yourself. In the process, you feel all close and chummy—but you reveal all sorts of insecurities and relationship issues with no real context. You may feel like “all the walls” are down, but really in five minutes you’re going to feel real sick: telling these stories sucks all the flirtatious energy out of the date (it’s difficult to banter during a dramatic tirade/confession).

It’s so easy. To tell those crazy stories. They are hilarious. They are amazing. They are shocking. That time you had that boyfriend who only ate quesadillas and chocolate chips? That time you had that girlfriend who left you for California right before you wanted to propose (but you never really wanted to marry her anyway)?—that was the worst. But, resist.

Just wait.

Tip Karma: the Art of Tipping

You might be one of those guys that hates the tip.

Maybe you hate figuring it out. Maybe you hate paying extra. Maybe you have no idea how much you are supposed to leave (and if you’re expected to tip the people at Cafe Rio). Maybe you think your date won’t notice anyway.

She may not notice how much you leave, but she will probably notice the way in which you manage the situation. It’s extremely attractive (a.k.a. free points) if you can manage the tip like a man who knows what he’s doing (and someone who knows how to be a productive member of society). It’s also easy—so don’t you worry.

Why is the tip important?

When you’re on a date with a woman, you’re looking for certain things. These things are different depending on your interests. But, there are some commonalities. For example, if you were on a date at a restaurant, and as the food came, your date took out her gum and stuck it to the bottom of the table—you might find that really really unattractive.

If she’s not capable of properly disposing her gum, you may make some judgements about other things in her life.

The tip is a minor part of the date. It should be invisible. Except not really, because if you can execute it without a huge show or any awkwardness, you will be making a statement about yourself and your ability to show gratitude, generosity and kindness—all qualities your date (if she’s normal) is interested in seeing.

Some guidelines:

1. The tip is part of the cost of dinner:

In Utah, servers* are not paid minimum wage. They are paid $2.13 per hour. The state says this is legal because servers are tipped by the patrons. This means the server is mostly working for you (and not the restaurant). They are your advocate with the kitchen, the drink machine, and the bar. They are not your personal slave.

If you want to take a girl to lunch or dinner, you must factor in the cost of the service when you choose the restaurant. If you know you can’t afford a tip or if you know paying a tip will put you in a bad mood, no biggie—just go to a place that doesn’t require one: Zupas, Cafe Rio, Taco Bell, Betos, etc.

*server = a person who is taking your order, and delivering food, drinks, desserts, napkins, silverware, etc.

2. How much to tip:

In the U.S., it’s tacky & impolite to tip anything less than 15% of the total bill. But, if you’re on a date, and you order dinner, you should never leave less than $3. (Even if you go to Olive garden, and your total bill was $11 because you ordered a bowl of all-you-can-eat pasta and shared it.)

On a date, you should really consider tipping 20% for two reasons: A) it’s easy—you just figure out ten percent and double it. B) it’s generous—and being generous with a tip shows kindness, flexibility, and responsibility.

3. Don’t pull out the tip calculator app on your phone. (And don’t start a math problem on the back of the receipt).

Okay, I know, the tip is a tiny part of the date. Depending on how you do it, the girl probably won’t even know how much you write down. But, she can tell a lot by how much time you spend sitting there punching numbers into your phone, or scribbling numbers. This screams: rigidity & tightwad & cluelessness. Just figure out 10% of the bill, then double it. You’ll pay 20%, but what your date sees is a man who knows what he’s doing. So easy!

4. Don’t ever ask your date how much you should tip.

Because now you know: 15%-20% of the total bill.

5. Never complain about paying a tip.

Negativity is rarely attractive. But, complaining about the tip says a lot to your date about how you view service, compensation, and generosity. If your date is normal, she’s looking for a man who knows how to treat people fairly. Complaining about the tip is not funny, not cute, and will not make your date want to go out with you again.

6. Never tell your date about how much you want to tip/will tip/will not tip.

This will never be impressive to her. Only awkward.

Some other notes:

Sometimes it’s not super clear if you need to tip. Sometimes casual dining restaurants put a tip line on their receipt even though there aren’t individual servers. The general guideline: If you are getting your own food (i.e. standing in line), drink, & silverware, and if you’re finding your own table—then the tip is optional. Don’t be guilted into paying a tip just because there is a line on the receipt. But if you love the restaurant, if you go there a lot—leaving a tip shows appreciation & kindness.