Category Archives: points

Notes for Girls: The Point System, part 2

Welcome to part 2 of Notes for Girls: The Point System! If you haven’t read the post before this, please check it out first and then come back to this one!

This time we have Dave weighing in on things that a girl can do that will add/take away from a date. Enjoy!

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Just as there are certain things guys can do to earn/lose points on a date, there are also things girls can do. Here is a list of some of the most common ones I’ve found.

 

PLUS POINTS

+1 for balanced conversation.

+1 for laughing.  Guys love a girl with a good sense of humor.

+1 for showing interest in getting to know a guy.  If this date is the beginning of a relationship it is important that you are interested in becoming a part of his life (not uprooting him from it).  You show this by learning about him and the people who are important in his life.

+1 for smelling good.  Not a necessity, but a definite plus.  I’ve never met a guy who doesn’t like a little good perfume.

+1 for being real.  One time I went out with a girl and she butchered a joke and then said something like, “can you tell I don’t tell jokes well?”  Which was more funny and attractive to me than any joke she might have told.

+1 for being responsive and encouraging.  Some girls really are not good at showing when they are interested.  I have posted in the past about a couple of things we guys look for to know if a girl wants to go out again.  Don’t be too forward, but please try to make sure we know if you’re having a good time.

+1 for having a good attitude and being patient if things don’t work out as planned.  Sometimes events sell out, places have long lines, and restaurants have bad food.  Guys love it when a girl can have a good time anyway.

 

MINUS POINTS

-1 for flirting with other guys.  This is not to say that you aren’t allowed to talk to other guys while on a date, but know that you’re walking a fine line and when you start to flirt with them it’s going to make your date think that you’re rude and not interested.

-1 for not being patient if we’re a little late.  If we’re more than 10 minutes late without letting you know then I think you have a right to be a little bugged, but a few minutes late should not be grounds for being upset—it makes you seem really high-maintenance.

-1 point for only talking about herself.  In this situation a guy may return home feeling ostracized by a date.  This happened to me on a set-up a few weeks ago.  I don’t remember her asking me a single question about me but I knew all about every vacation she had been on in the last five years.  I felt left out of the conversation even though I was the only other person in it.  Then, a couple of days later, as I was talking to my friend who had set us up I was shocked when he told me that she wanted to go out again.  Talking only about yourself sends a message that you’re not interested and it will probably make the guy not want to take you out again.

-1 for saying something like, “good times” too much.  Many of us have these kinds of “go to phrases” that we use to avoid awkward silences.  In reality, a couple seconds of silence are much less awkward than saying random words that don’t really mean anything.  Instead, try to quietly think of a question you could ask.

 

The points to remember on a date are to be yourself, share conversation, and make sure the guy knows you are having a good time!

Notes for Girls: The Point System, part 1

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how guys can get/lose points on dates. From that post, we received this question from Kimberly:

It would be fun to get a guy’s perspective on this. What can girls do to earn or lose points on a date?

That is a great question, and we got two of the guys on our team to write-up a point system for girls.

Starting us off on this two-parter is Dr. Joe, with some great + and – moves that girls can make on a date. Enjoy!

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By special request of the Proxee admins, I shall endeavor to shed some light on a “point system” that could be applicable to girls. Now, granted, per Dave and Danielle, there is no “ultimate recipe” for a perfect date. Much as some people hate to admit it (as they think it makes them shallow [it doesn’t]) a lot does depend on the ever-elusive “chemistry” and the personalities of those involved. However, there are a number of things to consider which can increase the probability of a second date.

+ side (DO’s):

1) DO set the guy at ease. Believe it or not, a lot of us guys are extremely nervous about interacting with you wonderful ladies out there. Most of this comes from the fact that we are painfully aware of the differences in the ways that guys and girls think, and are afraid of any negative spin that could be placed on actions (consider the short debate about opening doors above). So laugh a little. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Be spontaneous (props to Josh for pointing that one out). Smile. This shows that you are comfortable enough with yourself and him to not take offense at any little oversights he might make, and you can ignore these and get on with the date.

2) DO find a common interest(s), something you are both passionate about, and capitalize on that during your conversation. Now, it sounds rather cheesy to say “Hey, what do you like to do?” at the beginning of every date. Always important to do some initial sleuthing during step one above, and then explore areas that he’s hinted at interests in. What is he interested in? That completely depends on the man in question. It could be cars, fishing, martial arts, or Jimmer, but just because he’s “a guy,” don’t assume he doesn’t have some of the more “cultured” interests. Explore everything–reading, art, even philosophy if you feel so inclined–after all, you’re getting to know each other. You may be surprised by what you find, and your sincere interest in him will increase the likelihood of a repeat appointment.

3) Have to agree with Dave that some kind of touch is always a positive thing, with the “arm touch” topping the list in effectiveness. It must be used sparingly to be effective, however, as repeated touching can get uncomfortable and confuse him about your intentions.

4) As in any interaction where you’re trying to gain another’s trust, it is always important to be yourself. Be who you are, whether you’re a little shy or naturally outgoing. If he’s interested, he’ll figure out your personality and begin to play off of you. If there’s no interest, you’ll have a great time regardless. At the very least, it shows that you are comfortable with him seeing your true colors and confident about your worth.  If you aren’t being true to your typical behavior, he may become confused and decide that, no matter how much he likes you, dating is not worth the effort, as he never knows quite what to expect.

5) Wit also earns big points. If you can think fast on on your feet, it not only shows your confidence but keeps him entertained and engaged in your company. Guys hate being bored on a date!

6) Be appreciative. I think this one kind of speaks for itself. Thank him, talk about how you enjoyed yourself, and acknowledge the thought and planning that went into the date as circumstances allow.

– side (DON’T’s):

1) DON’T be Clingy: Showing emotion is OK, as long is it’s consistent, but being hyperfocused on any guy is creepy. Don’t do it.

2) DON’T Make him do all the talking: The reason he asked you out is to get to know you. Reward him by responding with mid-length, thoughtful answers to his cues. One word answers and short responses don’t make for a very smooth date. Pull an equal weight, and the cart tends to go down the road a bit more smoothly that way.

3) DON’T Constantly talk: Now, I know I just said to talk. But if you never let him get a word in edgewise he’s not likely to enjoy himself either. As I said above, there has to be dialogue to make the date enjoyable. Everyone loves talking about themselves (making us all somewhat narcissistic I suppose), and you can encourage this by asking questions yourself.

and finally

4) DON’T be passively agreeable: Put some effort into it! If you don’t like something, say so. Contrary to popular belief, a woman who stands up for herself and is confident about her likes and dislikes is much more attractive than one that just goes along for the ride!

Well, there are some great points to remember on a date. Happy dating!

Dr. Joe

Ask The Proxies: How should/shouldn’t I ask a girl out?

We received a question from “S” about the proper way to ask for a date. Here’s the question.

So, my question is what are some of the appropriate and non-appropriate ways to ask out a girl for a first date. And kind of a follow-up question to that is do those protocols change by how you met them (example, you met in class vs. you met them country dancing? It seems pretty universal about not asking on Facebook, but besides that I’ve heard conflicting messages about every other method.

Good question, S!

It sounds like you already have two of the most important parts of asking a girl on a date figured out.

  1. Words should come from your mouth, not your fingers (no Facebook or texts!)

2. She should know who you are.

You’re also right when you say that there are different protocols for asking a girl out depending on the situation.

 

First, let us talk about ways NOT to ask a girl out on a date.

Any way you can text, chat, or email should not be used. To ask for a date, you want to keep it a bit more formal. Even if you have been texting her (you are already friends, you have been working on a project, etc.), be sure to call her/ask her in-person when you go for the date.

A good rule to live by is that on the phone and in-person are the only classy ways to ask a girl out.

 

Now, moving on to the ways TO ask a girl out.

From your question, these seem to be the type of situations you run into most often.

The girl you met…

1. …hanging out with mutual friends.

You’ve seen this girl a few times and have had a couple great conversations with her. Nothing too heavy, but enough to show you that you wouldn’t mind moving your conversations to a more private setting.

The good news is that you are pretty much set no matter how you approach this one. If you have her number, give her a call a few days before you want to take her out.

If you don’t have her number, you still have a couple options. You could ask her out in person the next time you see her. The exchange would probably go something like this:

You: Hey, I’d really like to take you to dinner sometime.

Her: That’d be great.

You: Great. Why don’t you give me your number so I can call you later and we can make plans?

The important part is getting her number even if you make the plans in person. You’ll need it in case you are going to be late, if you get lost on the way to pick her up, or if you want to go out again but don’t want to have an awkward post-date “Can I have your number” conversation.

Your second option is to get her number from a mutual friend. This way you won’t have to wait and spontaneously ask her out. Just remember to tell her when you call who you got her number from.

2. …in class/church.

You know her but she may or may not know you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been called up by a guy asking me out and I have no idea who he is. I’ll have to stall for time while my roommates and I play Private Investigators and search frantically through the ward directory, class rosters, and Facebook for anyone named “John Doe”. Once, I never did figure out who he was and I spent the rest of the semester studying faces and hoping my professor would call on him by name.

Don’t be that guy. Talk to her in person first. Make sure she knows your name.

There are a couple advantages to asking her out in-person. She’ll know exactly who you are because she’ll be looking right at you. You also see each other pretty often so the invitation comes off as more casual than it would if she knew you hunted down her number.

But what do you do if she bolts after class? Or misses church that week? Here are a couple tips for calling a girl who hasn’t given you her number:

1. Start by telling her your name.

2. Tell her where you know her from. Give extra prompts if you think she needs them (ie: “I talked to you in sacrament yesterday” vs “I’m in your ward”)

3. Tell her where you got her number.

4. Ask her out.

You: Hey, Kathy, it’s Brad. We sit next to each other in physics class.

Her: Oh, hi, Brad. What’s up?

You: I got your number from the class directory online because I wanted to see if you were free for dinner this weekend.

Her: That sounds great!

3. …randomly.

You said you go country dancing, but she could also be the girl you met at a coffee shop, in a bookstore, or on campus. The chances of you running into her again are slim to none but you know you want to see her again.

This is actually the simplest one. Start a conversation with her. Let her know you want to see her again. Get her number right then. Call within the next couple days so that you are still fresh in her mind. The more random/short the meeting, the sooner you should call. Set up a date.

If you really want to see a girl again, don’t rely on fate. I once had a guy yell my name across the mall because he remembered me from when I was going dancing the year before. He had a whole story about how he would see me every week and want to ask me out, but just when he had worked up the nerve, I stopped going dancing. Had he asked before he could have saved himself a year of waiting. Moral: take your chances while you have them!

 

Well, hope that helps. And remember: the more confident you are in yourself, the more she will want to go out with you. Even if you are nervous out of your mind, fake it. You are worth going out with, and she will see that through your confidence and the proper/personal way you ask her out.

-Jayme

A Dating Story: First to Fifth

So, we all know going on that first date can be tough…but what about the second and third? How do you smoothly go from first date to fifth?

Well, while everyone has a different style, I figured it would be good to give a positive personal experience of some little things that impressed me on each date—first to fifth. I know that it is different for everyone, and that there has to be chemistry for any of these moves to work, but the basic principles found behind each move are good rules to play by.

First date: Dinner, short and sweet. No marathon date or meeting all the friends. He was great at sharing the conversation and was confident in himself. At the end of the date, he asked me on another one. No guesswork on if he’d ever call me again, and an upfront “yes” or “no” for him. He also told me the event, giving me the heads up on where we were going and what we would be doing–great for a girl because she then knows what to wear.

Second date: We went to a play and dinner. It was longer than the first date, but still not a marathon. Guys, always have a solid plan for the outing at least until the third date.

The next day he texted and asked if he could see me again. That move is super sweet, and smart for any guy because girls thrive off momentum—let us sit for too long and we lose heart… and interest.

Him asking if he “could see me again?” was a great hint that he actually wanted to go on a DATE again, leaving no room for the confusion “are we just hanging out now?”

Third date: Dinner and a movie. Being the third date, I was unsure if I should pay for dinner, but right before the check came he set his wallet on the table. Guys, you may not know this, but a lot of girls stress over not knowing if the guy is expecting them to pay, especially a few dates in. So that is a great non-verbal way to say, “relax. I got it.”

Fourth date: I took him to ice cream. Girls, show the guy that you are not just using him for his wallet. It sends a good signal if you do something with him that doesn’t involve him footing the bill.

Fifth date: He got me flowers. Not a giant $50 bouquet, but a simple and beautiful arrangement that told me “I was thinking about this date for more than 30 seconds before you showed up.” We went to a chalk festival, dinner, and then a movie at his place.

NOTE: After you have been on several dates planning is not as important, but preparation still is. Deciding the activity together can be fun—but have a plan for if the girl has no ideas. Guys, don’t push a girl into a corner to make a decision when she says she doesn’t know what to do. Most girls just want to be with you, so understand that they like a man who takes control.

 

Well, there are some highlights from a run of five successful dates.

One of the things to remember and focus on from that dating story is the gradual build of the dates. It was simple at first, but grew into longer and more involved events. You need to walk the fine line between not freaking a girl out with too much attention, but at the same time not letting her excitement die with a lot of dead space. The longer you date/know her, the more attention you can give without driving her away.

Also, make it clear that it’s not a hangout though the wording you use. Things like “I would like to see you again/I would like to take you out again/Would you like to go to ______with me?” give the girl a loud and clear signal that they are dates. Things like “Hey want to come watch a movie?/I’m going to ___________, want to come?/ We should do something tonight.” leaves a girl questioning where she stands in the situation.

 

So, remember these points:

  •  Make the first date short, but be sure to lengthen them as you continue on.
  •  Let the girl know soon after the date that you would like to see her again.
  •  Make clear the fact that it IS another date.
  •  Be confident and strong in the role of a man on the date. Don’t leave her to guess.
  •  As things progress, show your interest in other ways besides asking her out.
  •  And finally, don’t let her lose the excitement and “twitterpation” she has with you by having long dry spells between contact. You’ll lose her interest—and your chance—if you do.

If you have a good/bad date story you want to share, please email it in or comment below!

`Danielle

The Point System

This is a post I put up about a week ago on my personal blog… but since many of you don’t read my blog, we felt it was a post worthy of going up on the Proxee site! So sit back and enjoy!

The other day a couple of my coworkers and I were talking about the point system when it comes to girls. As we talked, I realized how valuable it would be for the rest of the male population to be either educated or refreshed on how these points work.

First of all, “points” = happiness with you.

Points are super easy to get, and really great to have… you just have to play your cards right.

Let’s start with flowers.

Yes, flowers.

While to you guys flowers may seem worthless and like you are giving her a slowly dying $20 bill, they are more effective with girls than you give them credit for…and cheaper than you expect!

How it works: giving a girl flowers equals 1 point. A dozen flowers equal 1 point, and 1 flower equals 1 point. So, you can give a dozen roses once and get 1 point, or you can give a girl 1 rose a dozen times and get 12 points. It is even better when you just surprise her with one, for no reason at all. Any type of flower works.

See which one works better? And which one is cheaper? Exactly.

Another important one is opening the door.

Opening a door for a girl is a super “of course” item, but it is amazing how many times guys slip. Opening doors is 1 point per date/interaction, but is an automatic -1 if you miss a door at any time during that date/interaction. 1 point for opening all the doors, -1 point for missing one of them. So go out of your way, make it your honor, and DO NOT let her get the door if you want to keep that point!

Now, telling a girl she looks nice.

Compliments are a super easy 1-point-per-compliment situation; girls need constant confirmation that you think they are beautiful and that you like spending time with them. Don’t overdo it and seem creepy, but don’t go too long between compliments as these points naturally fade away to nothing. Stay on top of making sure that point line doesn’t hit zero! The same goes for telling her you think she is special…saying it only gives you a point for so long…but that point will get you lots of benefits while it’s there. They all will. It’s true.

So, this is what a date could look like:

Saying you are looking forward to the date and confirming time: +1
Bringing her a flower: +1
Forgetting to say she looks nice: -1
Open the car door: +1
Forgetting to open the restaurant door: -1
Opening the door on the way out: 0 because of previous door miss
Saying she is great and you had a wonderful time: +1
Sending an after-date text reassuring her you enjoyed yourself: +1

Date score = 3

Now, that’s a good score. Anything above 0 is a good date.

It’s pretty simple, just pay attention!

Obviously other things like chemistry and personalities come into play for the other points that make or break the bridge to a second date, but these extra points are great for any stage of your dating life, and will only help you in your efforts.

To wrap this post up, little things like notes and flowers and compliments will get you more points than you think. And it can be cheap and easy, so no more excuses!


…and trust me, the more points you have, the happier the both of you will be.

Well, there you go, a little romance tip from Proxee.

Please, feel free to comment below with anything you want to add!

`Danielle