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The New Proxee: Avoiding the ‘Eager Beaver’ Trap

Lovely daters! We have very happy news to announce! We have a new Proxee! Her hot and happenin’ dating tips impressed us to the max!

We introduce her to you now; your new dating guru, the next coed consultant, the new head Proxee…SHELLY!

It’s been lovely dating with you all, and we know we are handing you off to good hands. Take it Shelly!

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Thanks previous Proxees! I’m excited to be here.

I am going to be my own urban dictionary today and define an ‘Eager Beaver’ as someone who is so excited that it works to their detriment. You may or may not be aware that this applies to you, so I hope to bring clarification and allow you to adjust your standard course of action. When you are talking to a girl- whether she struck up the conversation, or she let you to strike up conversation with her, you want to avoid appearing to be “too excited”.

Deep down in the primal depths of a woman’s brain, we know that we want a man that will protect and provide for us, and that the best males will likely be desired by other females as well. When you are “too excited” to be speaking with us, typically one of two messages gets communicated.

“I am so excited to be talking to a girl because this never happens to me!”

“I am so excited to be talking to this girl because she is way better looking/way more awesome than the other girls that let me talk to them!”

Because these are the messages we receive from a thrilled look on your face, you want to avoid it, especially in the first conversation. Basically, excitement goes hand in hand with novelty, and having a conversation with a girl shouldn’t be something new or unusual to you.

Now the mind can be a powerful thing, and sometimes simply thinking something, will help you to non-verbally communicate that message. When you are trying to hit on a girl for the first time, these are more like the messages you want to be conveying:

“This girl is cute, I would like to find out more about her.”

“I’m glad that I’m talking to this girl, this is a fun conversation.”

“I’ve enjoyed this conversation so far, I think I would like to see more of her.”

When you implement these thought patterns, you are communicating to us that you are comfortable and desirable, while still communicating interest. Just like I am sure many of you men have experienced, getting the vibe that someone is desperate can be a quick way to neutralize attraction. Make sure your efforts match your information- if you have only known a girl for three minutes, don’t act like you’ve fallen hook, line, and sinker for her just yet.

If you are still not sure what it looks like to be too excited or enthusiastic, think of something that gets you really, REALLY excited. Maybe someone just told you that you won tickets to a NCAA final four game, or free steak for life, or a free 60″ flat screen TV. Now look in the mirror, and that’s the face you want to avoid when you are talking to a girl.

Do you think I missed any “Eager Beaver” tell tale signs? I would love to hear your input!

Think You’ve Got What It Takes To Be A Proxee?

Dating world! As you have probably (and sadly) noticed, we here at Proxee have been less than active on our dating site. This is due to dating success, and we feel that we are now out-of-touch with the most happenin’ topics in the dating scene.

Because of this, we are holding a contest to find new Proxees to pass the proxeeconsulting.com baton off to.

That’s right, you can win this consultancy!

And how can you win this fantastic opportunity to share your dating expertise to an existing blog following and the world?? Email us at proxeeconsulting(at)gmail.com with your best dating advice/dating consultant story, and you’ll have the chance to win the coveted title of Proxee Consultant!

So if you’ve ever played matchmaker, coached your friend through the infamous first date, become the dating oracle in your social scene, or felt a personal connection to the character Hitch, WE WANT YOU AS THE NEXT PROXEE!

So send in your story/advice for your chance to win!

Guest Post: How to Get that Number

Hey fellow daters! We’ve got a special Guest Post for you today from one of the bloggers over at The Anti-Austen . We are always entertained by their dating stories, and were very pleased to have The Charmer drop by and write for us some great advice we think you all will enjoy!

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Hello lovely readers! Around the blogworld, I’m known as The Charmer and I write over at The Anti-Austen  where I entertain readers with stories about my capricious love life.  I’m a huge fan of Proxee Consulting, so I was absolutely thrilled when the ladies of this blog asked me to write a guest post!

Today’s post is for all of you gentleman out there wondering how to go about getting a girl’s number.

Getting a girl’s phone number is a delicate art; you’re essentially asking her if she trusts you with such personal information.  You are also establishing the fact that you would be interested in interacting with her again, and you are asking her if she is also willing to talk to you or spend more time with you.  So, the way you approach the situation is crucial.

I’ll let you in on a little secret–girls are always a tad shy when it comes to giving out their numbers.  You think asking for our number is awkward?  Well, we feel awkward giving it out.  Even if we like you, we still feel a little strange about giving you our number.  Why?  Because, whether either party acknowledges it or not, this is the first act of trust.  The girl is still unsure about whether or not she trusts the guy enough to give him the power to contact her whenever he wants; the guy is unsure whether or not she’s going to actually give him this power.

So, keeping this in mind, you want to be direct.  You don’t want to act goofy or make her feel like you’re trying to bribe her into giving you her number. Why make a potentially awkward situation worse?
What I’m saying is…no pickup lines.  You know, things like “I lost my number, can I have yours?”  This will sound completely cliche, but the key to getting a girl’s number: just act natural.

Remember,as much as we wish it was, dating is not a science.  Thus, there is no fool-proof formula to winning over a girl or even to getting her number. So even though these tips work for most people, you might be one of the lucky few who gets to figure out your own technique!

Hopefully, you already know how to initiate conversations with girls, since that’s the first step to getting a girl’s number and could be a whole lesson in itself. If, however, you’re unsure about how to talk to girls, just remember the acronym CRAB: Compliment her, Rely on your surroundings, Ask questions, Be in the moment.
C: Compliment her. Girls love compliments. Luckily, complimenting girls tends to be fairly easy.
R: Rely on your surroundings  to help supply you with topics; you can talk about the people walking by, comment on her car, or ask her if she’s enjoying the basketball game.  Honestly, you can even talk about the weather.  If you can’t think of anything, you can always just approach her and say, “I don’t think I’ve met you…I’m Jared” and let the conversation flow from there.
A: Ask questions. The trick is not to ask “yes” or “no” questions, because these will bring the conversation to a halt. Instead of asking, “Do you like the weather,” why not ask, “What are you going to do now that the weather’s warmed up?”
B: Be in the moment. If you’re going to start up a conversation with a girl, make sure you’re paying attention to her; don’t be distracted by what’s going around you.  If you’re looking around at other girls or even waving to other guys, she’s going to get the feeling that you’re not interested in what she’s saying.

Now that you’re an expert conversationalist, it’s time to learn some tips for getting her number…

  • Smile. This is one of the most important things to remember! You are instantly more attractive and more fun to be around when you smile.
  • Sometimes, you won’t get the chance to have a long conversation with a girl; you might just run into her in line at the grocery store and think, Wow, I’ve got to get to know this girl. The key to getting her number: confidence!  Make eye contact, smile, and be friendly.  Start a short conversation with her. Then, after chatting for a few seconds or a few minutes, say something like, “Hey, I’d love to keep talking but I’ve got to go.  Can I get your number?’  Simple, but effective.  Notice the wording I used…there is no need to say anything too flirty, like “Can I get your number so that we can continue this conversation over dinner sometime?” (But if you’re really confident, you could try it and see what happens…!)
  • If you’ve been talking about an activity you both like, such as soccer, use it! “My roommates and I play soccer on Thursdays.  You should play with us some time!  Can I get your number?” or “How about I get your number and I’ll call you next time we’re playing.”
  • Instead of asking directly for her number, you can always offer her your number first in the hope that she’ll return the favor.  You might say, “Hey, let me give you my number and you can call me if you have any questions on the psychology homework.” This can be a little safer; after all, she’s probably not going to respond with, “Umm, no, I don’t want your number.”  Of course, if she doesn’t give you her number in return, it’s up to her to initiate the contact…hopefully you impressed her with your witty conversation skills 😉
  • If she refuses to give you her number, you can try the tip I just mentioned and offer yours.  Some girls aren’t comfortable giving out their numbers.  If she says no, just say, “Well, how about I give you mine then?”  Again, you’re putting the ball into her court, and some guys might argue that this isn’t a very productive move. However, it’s a better move than removing the ball from the court entirely.
  • Another easy way to go about it is just to let her know right from the beginning that you’re interested in taking her out. Simply tell her, “I’d really like to take you to dinner sometime.” If she responds favorably, respond with, “Great! Can I get your number? I’ll call you and we can figure something out.” It may seem bold, but I really appreciate it when guys are direct instead of leaving me to guess at their mysterious intentions.
  • Keep in mind that even if she gives you her number, she might not be romantically interested in you.  She may just be interested in playing soccer with you, or who knows—she could be interested in your friend.

And because giving dating advice is one of my very favorite things to do, I’ll even give you a couple bonus tips.

  • Now that you’ve got her number, send her the occasional text just to let her know she’s on your mind. Try something like, “Can you believe it’s still raining?” or “Did I see you at Target yesterday?”  These can be especially effective if you use something the two of you have previously talked about–for example, “Good luck on your stats final!” or “Ugh, I fell asleep in biology again!”
  • Remember, you want to stay fresh in her mind—don’t wait a couple weeks after she’s given you her number to call her up or text her.

If these tips helped you out, be sure to let me know! And, if you liked this post, be sure to check out The Anti-Austen for more dating tips and ridiculous dating stories!

Kisses,
The Charmer

Keep it Short, Keep it Sweet

You did it. You finally worked up the nerve to talk to that cute girl in you Economics class. She gave you her number, you called a couple days later, and you have a date set for Saturday night. Smooth mover that you are, you know you have to take lead and plan the date yourself.

Depending on how well you know the girl, you could be looking at activities that range from the standard dinner and a movie to more personalized selections like rock-climbing at the Quarry. What you do is up to you (though a dinner and a movie is always a safe bet!) as long as you remember one vital rule:

First dates should last no more than 2-3 hours.

Why? Four reasons.

1. It keeps the momentum going.

Ever heard the phrase “leave them wanting more”? It’s true! It’s simple teacher psychology: if you stop an activity while the students are enjoying themselves, they’ll want to do it again. If you wait long enough that their enthusiasm fizzles, they will be less excited when you offer the activity again. If she’s going to say yes to a second date, she needs to be excited about seeing you again. You run the risk of wearing out your welcome and lowering her interest in you when you marathon your first date.

2. It keeps the creep factor low.

You know that fortune cookie game you play in middle school where you add “…in bed” to the end of your fortune? You can play a similar game with dating. Just imagine her telling her girlfriends everything you did that night (this happens!). Now add “…on the first date” to the end of each sentence. You’ll be amazed how creepy you sound.

“He told me all about his past gambling addiction…on the first date.”

“He really opened up about how heartbroken he was when his dog died… on the first date.”

“We talked about where we want to live when we retire… on the first date.”

A shorter date means less time to stray from your A-game topics. Just like a job interview, you are expected to put your best foot forward. Even natural conversation and genuine bonding can feel like TMI if really personal details are shared too soon.

3. There’s Always Tomorrow

Real chemistry between the two of you can make spending twelve hours with this person sound like the greatest idea in the world. But the next morning when she’s exhausted at work because she was up until six watching the sunrise with you? That hormonal, glittery sheen wears off and she crashes. Worth it? Maybe, but it might take her a few days to catch up on sleep before she even wants to consider another date with you.

4. It lowers expectations.

Spending three hours with a guy every week or two doesn’t equal a relationship. But long dates add up to more time spent getting to know each other in a shorter time frame. Try to think of the beginning stages of dating in terms of total time spent together (in hours) rather than how many days/weeks you’ve known them. Knowing a girl for a week might seem like almost nothing but if you are spending five hours every day with that girl? That’s 35 hours! You might find yourself with a girl whose expecting something more from her investment sooner than you anticipated.

Above all, remember to let things grow organically. Smooth conversation and time flying by is a clear sign that you two have chemistry. 2-3 hours is plenty of time to decide if there’s going to be a second date. There’s no need to rush in head-first and start that second date the same night.

Hate long dates? Ever had a brilliant marathon date? Let us know in the comments!

Man to Man: Taking “No” for an Answer

Dave’s back! This time, he’s giving some tips on how to handle things when they just don’t go your way.

I’ve written before about how girls often choose not to be entirely frank when rejecting guys and how important it is to have enough respect for them to accept a less-than-direct response.  Often, we guys don’t pay attention to what girls are trying to tell us when we’re being rejected.  Or we can’t imagine why any girl wouldn’t want to go out with us.  If you continue to ask a girl out after she has tried to tell you ‘no’ then you come across as arrogant, aggressive, and overzealous.

I have the misfortune of understanding how this type of badgering feels from a personal experience with a very persistent female.  When I was in twelfth grade a girl from a neighboring school asked me out.  She got my number from a former seminary teacher and when she called me up she started off the conversation with, “you probably don’t remember me but…” She was right, I didn’t—I kind of recognized the name but I definitely couldn’t put a face to it.  She was asking me to her winter formal because “there just aren’t any good guys to ask at my school.”  Sounded like trouble to me—I didn’t want to go.  I told her that I thought I had a concert choir performance that night and that I’d check and get back to her.  Turns out I did have a performance.  What a relief.  I called her back to tell her:

Me: I’m sorry but I have a concert that same night.

Her: That’s ok, I can just pick you up for the activity, drop you off for your concert, and then pick you up afterwards to go to the dance…

Me: …

Her: …

Me: Umm, ok.   The concert’s at 7.

What could I say at that point?  My excuse was legitimate, but I was really hoping that it would get me out of a date I didn’t want to go on.  When she dodged it I had two options: go with her or tell her that I really didn’t want to.  I could have been wrong, but I judged that she was the type of girl who would have a hard time with rejection so I felt obligated to go.  Needless to say, the date was way south of mediocre—even straying into ‘worst date ever’ territory at times.

Now, guys, we’re the ones who are generally in the position of asking girls to go out with us.  We need to make sure that we never put girls in situations where they feel obligated to go out on a date when they aren’t interested.  If she gives you an excuse you should accept it and try again another time.  Don’t start grasping at straws in an attempt to corner her into going out with you.  If she says she has something, DO NOT ask her what it is or what time or anything else that makes her think you suspect she’s fibbing.  Remember, “I’m busy” is much easier for everyone than “I’m really not interested in you”.

When you get turned down, listen to how she does it—if she suggests that you go out some other time then you should try asking her out again in a week or so.  Generally, if she says ‘no’ to three attempts in a row without a legitimate excuse I would suggest not calling her again.  Persistence is not going to make her like you more.  It feels like I always hear old men who got married young say stuff like “I had to convince my wife to marry me.”  While this may be true in some cases, it’s more likely just something that these guys say to be self-deprecating and funny.

While you should be sensitive to whether a girl is rejecting you, you need to be careful that you don’t become gun-shy.  You should work to find a happy medium between timid and overzealous.  Being bold and confident are good things, so long as you’re careful not to cross the line to arrogant and cocky.  Ask out as many girls as you can but know how to quit when they’re trying to tell you that they’re not interested.

-Dave

Guest Post: The Formula of Love

This post comes to you from our neighbor on the internet and a fellow dating consultant. Zack runs the ever-hilarious blog Every Day is Easter in My Closet, where his musings about living as a single twenty-something year old are often intertwined with golden pieces of dating advice. You can check him out here.

Take it away, Zack!

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Love has been described as a feeling, a mystery, a romance, a passion, an adventure…but when it comes down to it, I would like to look at love as a formula. And that formula is simple: 5+1=LOVE.

If you take the 5 types of attraction and add in the 1 law of attraction, then, my friends, you have a successful shot at love. Each type of attraction is an important relationship silo. I’ll go over the questions for the 5 types of attraction so you can ask yourself to see if each silo is adequately filled.

ATTRACTION #1: Physical Attraction
Is he/she beautiful to you? Now while this is a very important type of attraction, it is important to remember that physical attraction will change based on the levels of the other types of attraction.

ATTRACTION #2: Emotional Attraction
Do you have compatible life philosophies? Do you communicate each other’s love languages? Have you seen her crazy side and still like her?

ATTRACTION #3: Spiritual Attraction
Can you talk about serious stuff and then jump right into laughing and then back to serious without it getting awkward? Can you tell them how you feel about religion?

ATTRACTION #4: Intellectual Attraction
Are they NOT an idiot?

ATTRACTION #5: Sexual Attraction
Ah, no, don’t be confused with physical attraction. This is a totally different game. This isn’t if they are beautiful…but if they do it for you. There are plenty of people that are beautiful that aren’t sexy.

And the 1 LAW OF ATTRACTION: Timing.
If you met right before she leaves to her study abroad…tough. If you just got out of a really ugly relationship the day before you met him…probably not the best. All 5 types of attraction bow to the law of timing.

So there it is! If you have the physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual and sexual attraction and it is the right time, then get ready for the craziest ride of your life—love.

And if you are in a dating relationship and things aren’t going well, think of what type of attraction you don’t have and start to plan activities to build that aspect of your relationship.

So good luck, and even if you aren’t good at math, this formula works for everyone.

Notes for Girls: How can I tell if he’s interested in me?

This week’s featured question comes from one of our women readers and was answered by our ever-insightful Dave. She asks:

“How can a girl tell if a guy is interested in her?”

As is true with many of these posts, there is no definitive way to tell if a guy is interested in you.  It varies so much from one guy to the next that I couldn’t possibly give you a perfect system.  I can, however, tell you how you would know if I were interested.

Initial contact

Before you’ve gone on a date, if he’s interested in you, he will try to talk to you.

This is the most sure-fire way to tell if a guy is interested.  However, many guys are patient and a little hesitant when it comes to walking up to girls they don’t know and introducing themselves.  We guys are into playing it cool, so some guys wait for either the right opportunity (an introduction or any kind of ‘in’) or for you to talk to them.  I don’t think it’s too forward for a girl to start a first conversation with a guy—in fact I think most guys appreciate it.  Usually this conversation will be small talk to start to get to know a little about one another.

Personally, I usually won’t ask for your number at this stage, but this is going to vary a lot from guy to guy.  I will most often wait until another time to ask you out on a date.

There are a couple of lessons to take from this, one is that you shouldn’t decide a guy’s not interested because he doesn’t come right up and introduce himself.  Some guys will, but many of us are just not that bold.  Another is that you shouldn’t pay too much attention to how the conversation went (unless it was just awful), because both you and he may have been really nervous.  Also, just because he didn’t go for your number doesn’t mean that he’s not interested.  Remember, many guys are patient and are into playing it cool.

The Rule of Contact

Prior to the first conversation there are not too many sure-fire ways to tell if a guy is into you, but afterwards there are a few basic things to look for.  The first is the Rule of Contact.  Now that you’ve had a chance to talk once in the past, the next time he sees you he will do everything he can to come and talk to you.  Any excuse he can think of—even if it’s something as lame as talking about the weather or his favorite brand of ice cream.  This is the general rule: if he’s into you and you’ve already met, he will try to make contact.  Don’t give up if you see him at one place and he doesn’t make it over to talk to you.  But, if you see him at a few parties and he doesn’t attempt to talk to you, then he’s probably not interested.

The Rule of Flirting

At some point he is going to ask you out on a date.  There are so many complexities that play into how guys show whether they are interested on a date—it’s going to be different for every guy, but I can think of one clear way to tell that he is interested: flirting.  The Rule of Flirting is simple: if he flirts with you then he is probably into you.  Does he tease you (in a funny/nice way)?  Does he look for excuses to touch your arm?  Do the two of you laugh together when you’re out on a date?

The Rule of ‘We Should’

Next is the Rule of ‘We Should’.  This is where you’re on a date and he says something like, “You like to [insert activity]?  We should do it together sometime.”

This is him testing the waters and it is VERY important that you respond appropriately.  If he suggests that you play tennis together you should be enthusiastic and say: “I’d love to play with you sometime.”

If he suggests something you don’t feel comfortable with, you should throw out an alternative: “I’m not really sure about waterskiing behind your snowmobile, but I’d love to go longboarding sometime.”

If you’re not interested in going out again, be sure you don’t sound enthusiastic when he suggests doing something in the future, and definitely don’t suggest an alternative.

The Rule of Priority

After the date some guys like to make sure a girl knows that they had a good time by trying to stay in contact with her, but without being too blatant.  For example, if you text him that you had a good time after he drops you off he may text you back ‘thanks’ and something trying to confirm future plans or, at the very least, a ‘talk to you soon’.  Then he should try to contact you again sometime in the next couple of days either to just be in touch or to set up another date.

This is the Rule of Priority (it’s closely related to the Rule of Contact), which is that if a guy is into you then he will make contacting you a priority.  He should try his best to make sure you hear from him so that you know that you are officially a priority.

The Rule of It’s Not That Simple

This is the hardest part of the whole thing, it drives both guys and girls crazy sometimes.  This is the Rule of It’s Not That Simple.  It is that at any given time a guy probably has more than one girl he’s interested in until he’s in a relationship.

This makes things complicated sometimes but it is part of dating.  At some point the guy is going to have to decide to date only one of the girls he’s going out with.  If he has been taking out three girls simultaneously then this means that two of them will stop getting calls from him.  Personally, I try to do this gradually but occasionally it is abrupt.  And it happens both ways—I can think of times when I’ve been having a great time with a girl and I’ve thought that things were going well until she suddenly stops returning calls.  This is probably because she has been going out with a few different people and has decided to commit to one.

In my experience, the only remedy to this is to make sure that you always have more than one person you’re interested in until you’re in a relationship.  And if you don’t then you need to spend time with your friends and go to parties to meet new people.

Friends, hobbies, and other prospects are the best cure for the Rule of It’s Not That Simple.

A Brief Summary:

  1. The Rule of Contact: after the first contact has been made you can tell if a guy is interested in you by whether or not he initiates future contact and asks you out.
  2. The Rule of Flirting: every guy is different on dates but flirting is a pretty safe positive sign—if he flirts, he likes you.  Be sure to flirt back if you like him.
  3. The Rule of ‘We Should’: if a guy suggests you do something together then he is expressing interest.
  4. The Rule of Priority: a guy who is interested will make you a priority.  You can tell this by whether he calls or texts you.
  5. The Rule of It’s Not That Simple: the guy you are going on dates with is probably going out with other girls at the same time.  This is often the explanation behind why a guy you think is into you doesn’t call—he may have started dating someone else.  All sorts of erratic behavior can be explained by this rule.  Be sure that you are dating other people as long as he is.