Category Archives: from the mouths of men
Man to Man: Confidence Tricks
Let’s all admit it. Everyone is a little nervous on the first date. Some more so than others. But guys, girls are attracted to a confident man, and so that is the man you want to be. Not sure how to do it? Well, Dave’s here with some tips and tricks to help pull off the confident vibe—no matter how nervous you are!
Take it away Dave!
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The idea behind having confidence on a date is to make the real you shine. Here are a few ideas I have for how you can show some confidence without sacrificing what makes you special.
Recognize that you have some great things to offer and to share with a girl.
Whatever it is; if you love fishing or comic books, cooking or running, there are things that are unique to you, and you should realize that there is a girl out there who will be interested in those things.
So step one is recognize your interests and own them. If you’re not sure what your interests are, sit down and make a list of 100 things you love (not an easy task—you’ll probably start to run out of ideas at some point but work through it). When you’re on a date, don’t be afraid to share about the things you love, just remember to also ask her about her favorite things as well.
Don’t be intimidated by a girl who others may say is “out of your league”.
Is she a supermodel? Does she have a PhD? Could she beat you at any game you ever play? Doesn’t matter.
Remember that there are different kinds of smart, attractive, funny, talented, etc. A girl getting a PhD in astrophysics may not be too impressed by the fact that you rode a bull for 10 seconds but that doesn’t mean you aren’t equally as talented, just in different ways. What one person finds really impressive may not be all that great to another. So take what you’re good at and run with it, and don’t be intimidated!
Have good posture and try to keep your hands out of your pockets.
I include this only because bad posture is not part of your personality, so leaving it behind isn’t going to affect who you are. A confident man stands tall and walks with an attitude that he knows where he’s going. I would be shocked if I ever heard a girl say, “I really liked him but he stood up just a little too straight for me”. That’s not to say that it hasn’t ever happened, but good posture is going to improve your odds. It exudes confidence in a good way.
Don’t be embarrassed if you’re not a flashy person.
If you don’t like spending money on things like clothes or cars it’s ok—just be sure you are comfortable with it. If you’re not a high roller then you shouldn’t try to cover that up to win a girl. It’s not conducive to a good long-term relationship because someday the truth will come out and then she may feel deceived.
Now, be sure to put yourself together well, have clean and freshly pressed clothes and a good shower, but know that if you are confident in who you are and what you wear she will take note.
Be interesting.
Discover the things that make you unique and special—the things you like about yourself—and don’t be hesitant to share them with your dates. Read books, take classes, watch popular shows, and other things that spark your interests. If you have a lot of stuff going on in your life then you have an interesting person to present, both to yourself and her, and that will help you find commonalities and similar interests that give to easy conversation.
Remember to laugh off mishaps.
Things go wrong on dates sometimes. You get lost. You miss the movie because of traffic. That’s ok, she understands. The last thing you need to do it become upset. A confident man is ok with plan B’s and even plan C’s. Your ability to adapt smoothly to different situations and not take it so seriously will impress her, and make her feel like she is with a guy who can take care of both himself and her.
Well, there you have it! A few tips to help you stay cool and calm on that first date!
Notes for Girls: Send Some Signals
Girls, ever wonder how to show that super cute guy that you are interested…when you have never even met? Well, Mont is here with some tips that will help break the ice!
Take it away Mont!
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So, you are at a party and see that guy across the room you’ve wanted to talk to for ages. Or you are out on a date with a guy and you want to let him know you are really interested without coming off too needy/forward. How do you go about doing that?
Here are some ideas to help you stand out more.
The more eye contact you establish with him the better.
Start with some quick glances. Then, start the direct eye contact. Once he turns to meet your gaze, lower your eyes and smile to yourself. This is going to tell him that you were watching him and are embarrassed that he caught you, which is always a sign of interest. Eventually be bold and hold his stare for a second, then look away and quickly back.
If there is a man that is giving you the eye and you are not interested, look away from him and don’t look back at him again. While having a conversation, looking at the ceiling and around the room also shows a definite lack of interest.
Next, flash a smile and use body language to show your interest.
A quick smile is a great indicator that you are wanting to be approached. Laughing and smiling does nothing but encourage the person you are talking with, so be sure to use them. Not too much though, you don’t want to come across and excessive or an airhead. Your posture is also one of the most telling signals whether you are interested or not. An open posture is evidence of an open person.
Turning your body toward the guy you are talking to, keeping your feet flat on the floor and leaning forward are actions that show interest. Crossing your arms, holding something in front of you, turning your body away or rocking from heel to toe will tell a person that you are not interested. You will know things are going well when you begin “mirroring” each other’s body language and gestures.
Even your hands can send very powerful messages. There are a number of ways to convey that you want to get to know someone. Keeping your hands unclenched shows you’re open to him.
Using your hands to touch objects, such as the rim of your glass, locks of your hair, can be a strong flirtatious act. And if you are brave, try picking fluff off his jacket, touching him to punctuate a point, or using the “accidental touch” when reaching for the salt.
Hands jammed in pockets, cleaning your glasses or balled in tight fists are all bad signs. Finger tapping, drumming, pointing are also signals to move on.
Lastly, remain open and independent of his presence.
Following him around all night will only make you look needy and desperate. A confident and independent woman is attractive. If you finish a conversation and he moves on, on let him be. If he was interested he will come back to you. If you take a stab at it, and he’s not responding, abort the mission immediately and walk away with your dignity intact.
These are all great ways of getting that guy to notice you, and letting him know that you are interested. The secret is to not overdo them, but use them carefully and strategically so that he has to make the actual moves. You’re just cueing him that it’s ok to do so.
If these signals don’t work ladies don’t get discouraged. These tactics do not work for all guys. Always remember to include your personality and who you really are when flirting. Sometimes you just need to let him know by telling him, but most of the time these tricks will work like a charm.
Good luck!
Ask the Proxies: How Can Girls Ask Guys?
Hey everyone! We are here with a question from Curious Jane, who wrote in asking:
I am interested in a few guys right now, but I have a difficult time developing opportunities to get to know them without being too forward. I am either too forward, or I don’t do anything at all. I am looking to find a happy medium. What would you say is an acceptable social approach to getting to know these guys without scaring them away?
We felt that this question would be best answered by a guy, especially a guy who knows the smooth moves when it comes to dating, so we tossed it over to our friend Zack from Every Day Is Easter In My Closet to help Curious Jane out! Take it away Zack!
Great question CJ! How do you get a guy to ask you out and not be a creepette AND how do you know when he’s just not that into you?
I’ve written about these two very items on my Easter Closet blog before and will give their synopsis here.
YES!…and No! Here are two ways you can ask them out without asking them out.
1. Find a random place, like, Pizzeria 712, and say,
“Hey [insert name of the super hot boy whom you Facebook stalked for an hour yesterday], have you ever been to Pizzeria 712?” If he says yes OR if he says no, then say, “Well we should totally go there sometime!”
2. Or “This Wednesday night is 2 for one pie night at Village Inn!! We should totally go. Pie’s on me!”
If he doesn’t respond to either of those, then continue to read.
There is a simple 3 point formula.
1 point: txt msg, fbook wall post, email/fbook message, call without message
2 points: call with message, random drop by
3 points: random drop by + nice note/baked goods
As you do those things, you get points. As they do them back to you, you get minus those points. Stop contacting when you get to 3 points.
It is that simple.
So in conclusion, if these boys don’t have the khutspah to ask you out after you tried both ways of asking them out without asking them out and you get to three points…then move on. Just move on.
Because in the end, you deserve to be liked. You deserved to be liked a lot. And there is only one person you need to convince that you are worth it: yourself.
Man to Man: Tribute to Girls
We’re proud to welcome a new blogger to our Man to Man team. As the newest addition to our guy panel, Mont is here to chime in with answers to your questions about the dating world. As always, shoot us an email (proxeeconsulting@gmail.com) or respond in the comments and we’ll pass along your question to our team.
To kick off what is sure to be the first of many posts, he’s submitted a sweet tribute to women. Don’t be fooled by the title though — guys, he has some thoughts for you too.
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This is my tribute to the girls who are overlooked, who become friends & nothing more and think it is because they are doing something wrong.
This is for the girls who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug & supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times.
This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect & that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either.
For the girls who flirt & laugh over the slightest glance, whisper, or touch and that hope that maybe, just maybe this time he’ll have understood.
This is a homage to the girls who laugh & do it often, who are comfortable in skirts & sweats, who care more than they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention.
This is for the girls who have been in trenches, who have watched with a broken heart other girls time & time again fake up & make up & mess up the guys in their lives.
This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.
This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it’s an experience that they don’t want to miss out on, for the girls who have sought a night with friends & been greeted by a night of rude catcalls, explicit invitations and that they’d rather not have experienced.
This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages or aim profiles, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time & time again dropped him hint after hint after hint, only to watch him chase after another girl.
This is for the girls who have been told that they are too good or too smart or too pretty.
This is for the girls who have been led on by words & kisses & touches, all of which were either only true for the moment or never real to begin with.
This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their heart, only to discover that he’s just not ready, he’s just not over “her”, or he’s just not looking to be tied down.
This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken, & their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place.
This is for the nights spent dissecting every word & syllable & inflection in his speech, and for the nights when you’ve returned home feeling alone.
This is for the night you convinced yourself that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.
This is for the “I really like you, so let’s still be friends” comment after you read all the signals wrong.
This is for the hugs you’ve received from your female friends, for the nights they’ve reassured you that you are beautiful & intelligent & amazing & loyal & truly worthy of a great guy.
This is for the girls who have been used & abused, who have endured what he was giving because she couldn’t make herself believe he didn’t deserve her.
This is for the girls who have been satisfied with too little & who have learned never to expect anything more. For the girls who don’t think that they deserve more because they’ve been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.
This is what I don’t understand: us men sitting & questioning & whining that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them & belittle them & don’t appreciate them & don’t want them.
Us men who complain that we will never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested & compelling who are intelligent & sweet, smart, & beautiful. We despair that no good women want to share in our lives, that girls play mind games, that girls love to keep us hanging, yet, I have to ask:
Are we to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrilling, compelling, intelligent & sweet and beautiful & smart girls, are we to give her our number & wait for her to call, & if we were to receive a call from her the next day, & she in her truthful, loyal, intelligent, and straightforward nice girl fashion were to tell us that she finds us intriguing & attractive & interesting & worth her time & perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would we not immediately call our friends to tell them of the “stalker chick” we met the night prior, who called & wore her heart on her sleeve, & told the truth? & would we not refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again & once again return to the party scene & search once more for this “nice girl” who we just cannot seem to find?
Because there in lies the truth.
Nice girls are everywhere, but maybe we are not looking for a nice girl, were not looking for someone genuinely interested in our intramural basketball game, or our anatomy midterm grade, or that argument we keep having with our parents.
Maybe we’re looking for a quick fix. A night when we can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as quick as the night itself.
Perhaps we shouldn’t say we’re on the lookout for a nice girl, when we pass her up every day.
If we truly were, we’d see her right in front of us.
Notes for Girls: The Point System, part 2
Welcome to part 2 of Notes for Girls: The Point System! If you haven’t read the post before this, please check it out first and then come back to this one!
This time we have Dave weighing in on things that a girl can do that will add/take away from a date. Enjoy!
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Just as there are certain things guys can do to earn/lose points on a date, there are also things girls can do. Here is a list of some of the most common ones I’ve found.
PLUS POINTS
+1 for laughing. Guys love a girl with a good sense of humor.
+1 for showing interest in getting to know a guy. If this date is the beginning of a relationship it is important that you are interested in becoming a part of his life (not uprooting him from it). You show this by learning about him and the people who are important in his life.
+1 for smelling good. Not a necessity, but a definite plus. I’ve never met a guy who doesn’t like a little good perfume.
+1 for being real. One time I went out with a girl and she butchered a joke and then said something like, “can you tell I don’t tell jokes well?” Which was more funny and attractive to me than any joke she might have told.
+1 for being responsive and encouraging. Some girls really are not good at showing when they are interested. I have posted in the past about a couple of things we guys look for to know if a girl wants to go out again. Don’t be too forward, but please try to make sure we know if you’re having a good time.
+1 for having a good attitude and being patient if things don’t work out as planned. Sometimes events sell out, places have long lines, and restaurants have bad food. Guys love it when a girl can have a good time anyway.
MINUS POINTS
-1 for flirting with other guys. This is not to say that you aren’t allowed to talk to other guys while on a date, but know that you’re walking a fine line and when you start to flirt with them it’s going to make your date think that you’re rude and not interested.
-1 for not being patient if we’re a little late. If we’re more than 10 minutes late without letting you know then I think you have a right to be a little bugged, but a few minutes late should not be grounds for being upset—it makes you seem really high-maintenance.
-1 point for only talking about herself. In this situation a guy may return home feeling ostracized by a date. This happened to me on a set-up a few weeks ago. I don’t remember her asking me a single question about me but I knew all about every vacation she had been on in the last five years. I felt left out of the conversation even though I was the only other person in it. Then, a couple of days later, as I was talking to my friend who had set us up I was shocked when he told me that she wanted to go out again. Talking only about yourself sends a message that you’re not interested and it will probably make the guy not want to take you out again.
-1 for saying something like, “good times” too much. Many of us have these kinds of “go to phrases” that we use to avoid awkward silences. In reality, a couple seconds of silence are much less awkward than saying random words that don’t really mean anything. Instead, try to quietly think of a question you could ask.
The points to remember on a date are to be yourself, share conversation, and make sure the guy knows you are having a good time!
Notes for Girls: The Point System, part 1
A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how guys can get/lose points on dates. From that post, we received this question from Kimberly:
It would be fun to get a guy’s perspective on this. What can girls do to earn or lose points on a date?
That is a great question, and we got two of the guys on our team to write-up a point system for girls.
Starting us off on this two-parter is Dr. Joe, with some great + and – moves that girls can make on a date. Enjoy!
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By special request of the Proxee admins, I shall endeavor to shed some light on a “point system” that could be applicable to girls. Now, granted, per Dave and Danielle, there is no “ultimate recipe” for a perfect date. Much as some people hate to admit it (as they think it makes them shallow [it doesn’t]) a lot does depend on the ever-elusive “chemistry” and the personalities of those involved. However, there are a number of things to consider which can increase the probability of a second date.
+ side (DO’s):
1) DO set the guy at ease. Believe it or not, a lot of us guys are extremely nervous about interacting with you wonderful ladies out there. Most of this comes from the fact that we are painfully aware of the differences in the ways that guys and girls think, and are afraid of any negative spin that could be placed on actions (consider the short debate about opening doors above). So laugh a little. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Be spontaneous (props to Josh for pointing that one out). Smile. This shows that you are comfortable enough with yourself and him to not take offense at any little oversights he might make, and you can ignore these and get on with the date.
2) DO find a common interest(s), something you are both passionate about, and capitalize on that during your conversation. Now, it sounds rather cheesy to say “Hey, what do you like to do?” at the beginning of every date. Always important to do some initial sleuthing during step one above, and then explore areas that he’s hinted at interests in. What is he interested in? That completely depends on the man in question. It could be cars, fishing, martial arts, or Jimmer, but just because he’s “a guy,” don’t assume he doesn’t have some of the more “cultured” interests. Explore everything–reading, art, even philosophy if you feel so inclined–after all, you’re getting to know each other. You may be surprised by what you find, and your sincere interest in him will increase the likelihood of a repeat appointment.
3) Have to agree with Dave that some kind of touch is always a positive thing, with the “arm touch” topping the list in effectiveness. It must be used sparingly to be effective, however, as repeated touching can get uncomfortable and confuse him about your intentions.
4) As in any interaction where you’re trying to gain another’s trust, it is always important to be yourself. Be who you are, whether you’re a little shy or naturally outgoing. If he’s interested, he’ll figure out your personality and begin to play off of you. If there’s no interest, you’ll have a great time regardless. At the very least, it shows that you are comfortable with him seeing your true colors and confident about your worth. If you aren’t being true to your typical behavior, he may become confused and decide that, no matter how much he likes you, dating is not worth the effort, as he never knows quite what to expect.
5) Wit also earns big points. If you can think fast on on your feet, it not only shows your confidence but keeps him entertained and engaged in your company. Guys hate being bored on a date!
6) Be appreciative. I think this one kind of speaks for itself. Thank him, talk about how you enjoyed yourself, and acknowledge the thought and planning that went into the date as circumstances allow.
– side (DON’T’s):
1) DON’T be Clingy: Showing emotion is OK, as long is it’s consistent, but being hyperfocused on any guy is creepy. Don’t do it.
2) DON’T Make him do all the talking: The reason he asked you out is to get to know you. Reward him by responding with mid-length, thoughtful answers to his cues. One word answers and short responses don’t make for a very smooth date. Pull an equal weight, and the cart tends to go down the road a bit more smoothly that way.
3) DON’T Constantly talk: Now, I know I just said to talk. But if you never let him get a word in edgewise he’s not likely to enjoy himself either. As I said above, there has to be dialogue to make the date enjoyable. Everyone loves talking about themselves (making us all somewhat narcissistic I suppose), and you can encourage this by asking questions yourself.
and finally
4) DON’T be passively agreeable: Put some effort into it! If you don’t like something, say so. Contrary to popular belief, a woman who stands up for herself and is confident about her likes and dislikes is much more attractive than one that just goes along for the ride!
Well, there are some great points to remember on a date. Happy dating!
Dr. Joe
Dating 101: Thoughts For Food
Dave is back, and this time he is providing some basic manners that will take your date from tacky to tasteful.
This is a great post for both guys and girls, so everyone pay attention and get your plates ready!
Because dates often involve eating, table manners are extremely important. If you really think about it, eating is inherently a gross thing to do. You’re shoving stuff into your mouth, chewing it up, and sending it to your stomach. The reason we have manners is to make this process as discrete as possible. One time I was on a date with a girl to whom I was really attracted… until we sat down for dinner. She proceeded to chew with her mouth open, talk with her mouth full, use her hands to shovel food onto her fork, and lick the food off her fingers. It was honestly disgusting. And not in a snobbish, ‘I’m better than you’ type of way—it literally took my appetite away.
So I’m going to lay out some basic tips of how not to sick out your date at dinner and then I’ll mention some specifics you can implement in case you feel classy. I should mention that the only way to develop good table manners is to practice them all the time until they become second nature. You can’t be thinking about this stuff while you’re actually on a date. This means that when you’re at home you should sit down to a table a couple of times a week (not a coffee table in front of a TV, but a real dinner table) and focus on not being gross.
Please note that some of these rules apply to eating “American style,” versus “European style” which has different etiquette.
Basic musts/must nots:
1. Never talk with your mouth full or chew with your mouth open. Just like you may have been told as a kid. It is gross.
2. Don’t EVER touch the food on your plate with your fingers unless it is finger food. Never use your knife to shovel stuff onto a fork either. If you’re having trouble getting the last little bit of food on your fork then just leave it on your plate.
3. Do not touch your face during dinner. This is especially true of your nose. If you need to wipe or blow your nose you should excuse yourself to the restroom to do it. Using your napkin to wipe your mouth is the only acceptable face-touching during a meal and even then it should be done in a discrete manner.
4. When you are cutting meat, use the knife in your dominant hand with your fork in the other to stabilize it. Cut off ONE bite-sized piece of meat, put your knife down across the top of the plate, put your fork back in your dominant hand and use it to take a bite. You should never use your fork in the non- dominant hand to feed yourself and you shouldn’t cut more than one bite-sized piece of meat at a time. I know it’s inefficient, but this is dinner, not a feeding frenzy. If you’re a fast eater (like me) then this will help you to slow down.
5. Your fork should never touch your teeth. Often people use their teeth to scrape food off the fork, making a sound like pulling a sword out of a sheath. This is extremely common but inappropriate nonetheless—remember that the idea is to not attract attention to the fact that you’re putting food in your mouth and that means keeping sounds to a minimum. Use your lips instead of your teeth.
6. If there is bread with the meal you should break off a bite-sized piece, butter it (or dip it in oil and vinegar) and then eat it. It’s impolite to bite into a large piece of bread, even if it’s sliced. Again, this will slow you down a little.
7. Drink slow—burping is disgusting.
8. Don’t order spaghetti if you can at all avoid it. It’s so hard to eat this stuff politely—you’re probably going to end up with it all over your face like a one-year-old who just finished eating red-orange cake.
Now for some of the fancy stuff.
If you don’t do these things it won’t gross out your date (she probably won’t know the difference), but they may help you get a job or impress future in-laws sometime.
1. Wait until there is food on the table to put your napkin in your lap.
2. If there is more than one fork on the table start with the one that is farthest away from the plate. If there is a fork above your plate it’s a dessert fork (it’s kind of an ostentatious thing), so use it last.
3. After you have used a utensil you shouldn’t ever set it back down on the table. In fact, it should never even touch the table again. It is a common mistake, especially with the knife, to set it down so that the handle is on the table with the blade leaning up on the plate. Instead, you should set it across the top of the plate with both the handle and the blade off the table. If you’re having soup, there should be a plate under the bowl on which you can set the spoon when you’re finished using it. Don’t leave the spoon in the soup with the handle sticking out.
4. When you’ve finished your meal, put your fork and knife on the plate with the handles pointing to 4 o’clock.
5. Don’t start eating until everyone has been served. This is especially evident with dessert—never ever start eating dessert until everyone has food in front of them (this includes the host/hostess in particular if you are eating a meal at someone’s house).
So there you have some basics; neither list is exhaustive by any means, but these seem to be some of the more common faux pas in casual eating. Just remember that table manners are more than just a formality—they help us not sick-out our dates so they’ll go out with us again.
Man to Man: Reading the Signals
Dave is back! This week, he’s giving you the low-down on how to tell if a girl is interested while you’re on a date!
Is she being coy or trying to escape his bad breath? What does it mean??
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Let me start out by saying that this is not an easy thing to do. Everyone knows that girls can be confusing because they are all different. Some girls make it obvious if they want to go out with you again while others don’t. However, there are some classic signs that you can learn to pick up on that will often let you know what she’s thinking.
I’d also like to say that it’s important you don’t obsess over this stuff. Check out this statement I one time read on a guy’s blog:
“An old roommate of mine once told me, ‘When a guy likes a girl, he takes the seat right next to her. When a girl likes a guy, she sits one seat over and two rows back from him.’ That’s the first problem. People use different tactics to express interest in each other. What does a touch on the elbow mean? What about a fist-bump?”
I hope you can see how ridiculous this is. And totally weird. When a girl is interested in you she’ll show it, albeit subtly. She wants you to know and it should come across in what she does, how she talks to you, and how she treats you. But when you’re on a date don’t think about this stuff, wait until you’re driving home. You shouldn’t be worried on a date—girls smell worry and they don’t like it. Relax, have fun, and then later on you can try to decide if you want to ask her out again and if you think she’d actually go.
Here are a few basic positive signs you can look for:
- Did she flirt with you?
If you don’t know how to tell this then you should probably start asking all your friends both male and female to teach you. - Did she go for your arms?
For some reason girls love the arm touch if they’re into a guy. Not all girls do it so if it doesn’t happen it doesn’t mean the she isn’t into you. However, if she is doing the arm touch thing then it’s a pretty safe bet she wants to go out with you again. The guy I quoted above seemed to think that the specific location of the arm touch means something. I’ve never seen evidence to support this theory.
You can do a reciprocal arm touch. It’s totally appropriate, but I wouldn’t overdo it because it’s not terribly masculine. - Did she smile and laugh?
No comment necessary. - Did she ask questions?
You have to be careful with this one because sometimes questions are asked just to fill the silence. A friend of mine (girl) once went out on a date with a guy and at some point realized that she had been asking all the questions. She then proceeded to be quiet in order to make him ask her something. In this case she asked a lot of questions but she was not into him. If she’s asking questions it’s a good thing, just be sure that she’s not doing it because you’re a mute. - Did she text you after the date?
Not all girls do this one either, but if you do get the post-date text then she definitely wants to go out with you again. - Did she invite you to come in or to spend more time with her?
If you are on a dinner-only date (a really good way to do a first date) and you’re dropping her off early she may invite you to come in or to do something else. It should be fairly obvious that this is a good thing. - Did she say something like, “We should ________ sometime?”
When you talked about stuff you like to do did she mention wanting to do something together sometime? This is a great way for a girl to express interest without being too forward. If she doesn’t do it automatically you could suggest something and see if she seems interested. This technique is nice way to gauge interest. Be selective in what you suggest. If it’s something dangerous (like skydiving) she might not want to. Or if you were an All-American collegiate tennis player she might be a little hesitant to play with you because she’s embarrassed. I’d suggest picking something that she’s already told you she likes to do and going with that.
If she didn’t do any of the things above it doesn’t necessarily mean that she isn’t interested, but if she did then you’re probably good to go for a second date.
Some sure negatives:
- You call her to ask her out, leave a message, and she doesn’t return your call.
I suggest that if this happens once you should think about how the date went. If it surprises you that she wouldn’t call you back you could try calling her one more time. If she doesn’t call back again it’s time to quit; two unanswered phone calls = not interested. - She stops talking to you.
- She cringes every time you open your mouth.
- She offers to pay for dinner.
Nearly 100% sure sign she doesn’t want to go out with you again. She’s offering to pay because she knows she’s not interested and feels guilty that you are wasting your money. Don’t let her pay. Even though she doesn’t want to repeat, at least she’ll have something good to say about you.
Stuff not to pay attention to:
- She didn’t introduce you to someone she knew that you guys ran into.
Sometimes people forget. - Body Language
I wouldn’t read into it too much. - She didn’t text you after the date.
Again, some girls just don’t. - She looked out the window while you were driving.
You’re looking out the window (windshield), aren’t you? - The next time you see her in a group setting she talks to other people more than you.
Again, doesn’t mean anything. You can’t expect her to act a certain way in a party/group setting after going on one or two dates with you. And she’s not under any type of a contract with you—she is allowed to talk to other guys and still be interested in you. However, if it seems like she’s really trying to get away from you or avoid you then she’s probably telling you something. - She is slow returning texts.
Some girls just are. And she may be busy working or studying or doing whatever it is she does (as you should be). If she’s consistently slow or really slow (like more than a day) it’s probably not a good thing but this alone is often not enough of a sign that she isn’t interested.
Hopefully you can see the sense in what I’ve said here. Just remember that you should not obsess over this stuff. In fact, you probably shouldn’t even think about it unless you have to.
Man to Man: Navigating the Phone Call
Time to meet two of our new bloggers! E.dm gave us two great posts on the hazards of surprising a girl when you’re getting to know her. Now Dave is going to start us off with our Man to Man column, where guys write in to share their tips and tricks of the trade.
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You have a girl’s number. Now comes one of the most frightening things about dating: making the call. Here are some ideas to help decrease the awkwardness. As a preface, recognize that every situation is different—there are no hard and fast rules, these are just some guidelines for playing it safe.
- Try to avoid the cold call whenever possible. This means that you have talked with the girl about taking her out before, like in person. If it’s a set-up then the mutual friend should tell her that you’re going to call. However you got the number, it’s best if she knows that you have it and is expecting your call.
- Make sure you have good cell phone service. Nothing is more awkward than trying to set up a date when you’re cutting in and out. If you don’t get good reception where you live then go for a drive. Just don’t forget to take a pen and paper to write down details like her address (if she offers to text you her address then you’re golden, but don’t ask her to do it).
- Think of something to say before you make the call. Just one quick idea of something you could ask her. If you don’t end up using it, great, but think of something just in case—small silences during this call tend to feel eternal so you want to be prepared to fill the space. How long you chat will vary quite a bit from girl to girl, but generally shorter is safer.
- When possible, give her two options for when you’ll take her out. I think girls appreciate this because they can pick the day that is most convenient for them and they can also say ‘no’ to both if they want to. Avoid giving her three or more. And for heaven’s sake, if she says she can’t go out on the two days you offer don’t start throwing around other options (i.e. “how about Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday of next week”). You have to recognize the possibility that she doesn’t want to go out with you and she’s using ‘busy’ as an excuse. If you keep pushing her it’s like cornering a cat—you’re going to make her upset and maybe you’ll even get hurt (she’ll be frank with you)*. It’s inconvenient, but if she turns you down on the first offer to take her out you should wait for a while and try again (usually about a week). Also, pay attention to how she turns you down. If she doesn’t say things like “I can’t but I’d really like to go out with you some other time,” then you might think twice about calling her more than twice. Remember, this isn’t sales or missionary work—don’t be pushy.
- If she doesn’t answer her phone (and she probably won’t the first time you call), leave a quick and simple message that says something like, “this is ________________, and I am calling to see if you’d like to _________________. I’m sorry I missed you, I’ll try back later.” Later probably meaning sometime tomorrow. Don’t ask her to call you back—often girls will call back anyway when they get your message. This is a good way to navigate the fact that girls usually don’t answer when they don’t recognize the phone number.
*Lots of guys say that they hate that girls aren’t straightforward with them. This is absurd. You may think that you want a girl to tell you straight up if she doesn’t want to go out with you but you really don’t.
Here’s an example:
Guy: Would you like to go to dinner on Wednesday or Thursday of this week?
Girl: I can’t on either of those nights, sorry.
Guy: It’s ok, how about on Friday or Saturday?
Girl: No, I don’t think those days are good either.
Guy: Is there sometime next week we could go out?
Girl: You know, I actually don’t ever want to go out with you. Ever.
Harsh, right? Wouldn’t you call this ripping your heart out and stomping on it in front of your face? You think you want to hear this until you do and then you realize that ‘busy’ is way better. And put yourself in her shoes, do you think that any girl likes saying something like that? She knows that you’re going to go home and talk to your roommates about how rude she was when in reality it was your fault.
Have the courtesy to recognize and accept that sometimes it’s easier for both parties to not be too direct. Just learn to pay attention to some simple cues. But this is a topic for a different time.
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