Are you being too forward?

Wow! Fall can be a busy time, as our blog has found out. But we are back with some tips on the balance of showing interest and seeming desperate.

Once upon a time, a girl went on a blind date with a really nice guy. There was interest, they had good conversation, and agreed they should go on a second date that Thursday.

Then, they had a text conversation that went like this:

Boy: Hey thanks again for going to lunch yesterday. Would you like to go see (insert movie here) with me later on if you don’t have plans?

Girl: I actually am busy all day, but are we still on for Thursday?

Boy: Yeah. Anytime I could see you.

Girl: Ok.

Boy: Yeah, I would like to see you. I will hold back my words though.

Girl: I look forward to seeing you too.

Boy: Ok, anytime you can see me let me know and I will make it work.

Girl: Ok.

Boy: Even if it is for a short time. Am I too forward?

Girl: It’s ok.

Boy: I just want to be up front and tell you how I feel.

Girl: That is nice of you.

Boy: Too bad you have plans. But it is good to be busy.

Girl: Yup!

Boy: I am excited to see you again.

Girl: Same.

Boy: Thursday can’t come fast enough!

Girl: (no response)

The boy’s intense and forward conversation raised the caution flag for the girl.

Why was he being so forward? He barely knew her.

That Thursday, he took her on a date that lasted quite a while, ending with the girl having to ask the boy to take her home.

The girl did not go on another date with him after that.

Now, let’s take a closer look at this scenario. What went wrong?

Here is what you need to remember:

• If you ask a girl out on a second date, she knows you are interested in her.
• If a girl agrees to go out with you again, she is interested in you.

That is the basic formula for second dates. I know you want to tell her that you are really into her and could see yourself marrying and having a wonderful life together, but resist!

“But! But! I want to be honest with her and how I feel! Honesty is important in dating.” you may say.

Yes. Honesty is very important when it comes to dating. However, there is a difference between being honest and being forward.

Being honest is telling her once that you had a great time, found her easy to talk to, and are excited to see her again. Being forward is telling her over and over that you will do whatever it takes to see her again. The latter often come across as desperate to a girl. And no guy wants to be seen as desperate!

This is how the texting conversation should have gone:

Boy: Hey thanks again for going to lunch yesterday. Would you like to go see (insert movie here) with me later on if you don’t have plans?

Girl: I actually am busy all day, but are we still on for Thursday?

Boy: Yeah. I look forward to seeing you again.

Girl: Same!

Boy: I am still figuring out where we should go on Thursday and will let you know within the next couple days, so stay tuned!

Girl: I’m excited!

Boy: (end conversation, and don’t contact her for at least 12 hours)

The thing with girls is that we do want to be pursued in the good old-fashioned way, and we do want a guy to tell us he is interested, but we do not want to feel we are being pursued by someone who is so desperate for a girlfriend they have already placed us into that role. Believe me, it freaks most girls out.

So, moral of this situation: Stay cool, stay calm, pursue her, but don’t smother her! Ease into all the cute stuff, after a few dates she will love to hear it. Just not at the beginning.

Don’t be just the nice guy

First: there is a difference between a nice guy and a good guy.

I’m not sure how to let you know if you are a “nice” guy. Most of the time though, nice-guys are described as being someone who is always friendly, thoughtful, and there for you, but never making any strong moves in dating. A nice-guy lacks that aura of confidence and drive.

Also, you may end up being the the guy[space]friend a lot of the time, instead of the boyfriend.

On one end of the spectrum is the player, on the other is the nice-guy. Both are extremes. One creates no trust, the other creates no passion. (Both prohibit a relationship.)

You want to be in somewhere in the middle, in a range we call, “the good guy.” And! the good news is it’s super easy for nice guys to slide into that section of the spectrum.

The good guy knows how to respect women while also respecting himself. He doesn’t get distracted by girls who mess with his head, and he doesn’t waste time on a girl who can’t appreciate him. In other words, he dates women, instead of just being their friend.

Second: Women want a man who acts for himself.

This doesn’t mean ignoring others or refusal to compromise. It’s the responsible use of agency—and it just means that a guy is confident. It looks like a guy who knows what he wants, and knows how to organize it. Good men want good things, and they get them with kindness, fairness, and soul-slicing sweetness.

A good guy doesn’t have to be extremely handsome, smooth with words, athletic, coordinated, or wealthy to have this kind of x-factor confidence. A good guy doesn’t have to have a six-pack. He doesn’t even have to have a nice car. He just has to know he’s capable. Or at least act like he’s capable.

Girls frequently mistake arrogance for confidence, and it causes them a whole lot of issues.  That’s why you see good girls falling over and over for the guys who only want make-outs. Players use arrogance to feed their own insecurities and manipulate girls. A player knows what he wants. And he knows he can get it. It’s really dysfunctional, but some girls misunderstand the “want” part and swoon for the “knowing” part. Hopefully, someday they’ll learn.

In the meantime, you should stop being just the nice guy, and be the guy girls talk about in hushed whispers at late-night dinner parties.

Third: How to slide into the Good Guy Range

1. Make changes in your life that will give you more confidence. If you feel awkward—take Karate or Tae Kwan Do. If you feel boring—diversify: learn a new skill, take up a new sport, read articles and magazines that have nothing to do with your major. If you never know what to say to women—just ask them about themselves [more about this topic here & here].
2. Exercise. Don’t ever underestimate the power of a good work-out. This gets its own bullet point because exercise is the magical unicorn ingredient to confidence. It just is.
3. Give her space. This one is tricky but key. And even though, players use it all the time to play games with girls minds, good guys use it to just be normal and create a healthy amount of desire.  It probably deserves its own post, but it looks like this: You ask a girl in your ward out on a Friday night. You have a really great time. On Sunday, you say hi—ask her briefly about something you talked about on your date (or something), and then you move on and talk to other people. In between Sunday and your next date, do not treat her any different than any other friend or acquaintance. When you see her, say hi. What this means to her: your dates are something to look forward to
4. Your happiness doesn’t depend on her reciprocated interest. It’s really difficult, but don’t let your ego get in the way—if a girl is not interested, you have to move on. Incorporating the principles of #1 & #2 will help with this.  Girls can sense when a guy is self-assured and happy. It’s extremely double attractive. It’s the element players fake with arrogance all the time. Don’t fake it. Just be it: If at any point it becomes clear that she’s not interested in a relationship with you, move on. This creates two situations: 1. you don’t waste your time. 2. she may realize you’re not like other guys she’s dated (who put up with her game-playing antics). She’ll realize you’re awesome—and she’ll want to date you. Either way: you have a happy life.

You can do it! (may the force be with you…)