Notes for Girls: Send Some Signals

Girls, ever wonder how to show that super cute guy that you are interested…when you have never even met? Well, Mont is here with some tips that will help break the ice!

Take it away Mont!

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So, you are at a party and see that guy across the room you’ve wanted to talk to for ages. Or you are out on a date with a guy and you want to let him know you are really interested without coming off too needy/forward. How do you go about doing that?

Here are some ideas to help you stand out more.

The more eye contact you establish with him the better.

Start with some quick glances. Then, start the direct eye contact. Once he turns to meet your gaze, lower your eyes and smile to yourself. This is going to tell him that you were watching him and are embarrassed that he caught you, which is always a sign of interest. Eventually be bold and hold his stare for a second, then look away and quickly back.

If there is a man that is giving you the eye and you are not interested, look away from him and don’t look back at him again. While having a conversation, looking at the ceiling and around the room also shows a definite lack of interest.

Next, flash a smile and use body language to show your interest.

A quick smile is a great indicator that you are wanting to be approached. Laughing and smiling does nothing but encourage the person you are talking with, so be sure to use them. Not too much though, you don’t want to come across and excessive or an airhead. Your posture is also one of the most telling signals whether you are interested or not. An open posture is evidence of an open person.

Turning your body toward the guy you are talking to, keeping your feet flat on the floor and leaning forward are actions that show interest. Crossing your arms, holding something in front of you, turning your body away or rocking from heel to toe will tell a person that you are not interested. You will know things are going well when you begin “mirroring” each other’s body language and gestures.

Even your hands can send very powerful messages. There are a number of ways to convey that you want to get to know someone. Keeping your hands unclenched shows you’re open to him.

Using your hands to touch objects, such as the rim of your glass, locks of your hair, can be a strong flirtatious act. And if you are brave, try picking fluff off his jacket, touching him to punctuate a point, or using the “accidental touch” when reaching for the salt.

Hands jammed in pockets, cleaning your glasses or balled in tight fists are all bad signs. Finger tapping, drumming, pointing are also signals to move on.

Lastly, remain open and independent of his presence.

Following him around all night will only make you look needy and desperate. A confident and independent woman is attractive. If you finish a conversation and he moves on, on let him be. If he was interested he will come back to you. If you take a stab at it, and he’s not responding, abort the mission immediately and walk away with your dignity intact.

These are all great ways of getting that guy to notice you, and letting him know that you are interested. The secret is to not overdo them, but use them carefully and strategically so that he has to make the actual moves. You’re just cueing him that it’s ok to do so.

If these signals don’t work ladies don’t get discouraged. These tactics do not work for all guys. Always remember to include your personality and who you really are when flirting. Sometimes you just need to let him know by telling him, but most of the time these tricks will work like a charm.

Good luck!

Ask the Proxies: How Can Girls Ask Guys?

Hey everyone! We are here with a question from Curious Jane, who wrote in asking:

I am interested in a few guys right now, but I have a difficult time developing opportunities to get to know them without being too forward. I am either too forward, or I don’t do anything at all. I am looking to find a happy medium. What would you say is an acceptable social approach to getting to know these guys without scaring them away?

We felt that this question would be best answered by a guy, especially a guy who knows the smooth moves when it comes to dating, so we tossed it over to our friend Zack from Every Day Is Easter In My Closet to help Curious Jane out! Take it away Zack!

Great question CJ! How do you get a guy to ask you out and not be a creepette AND how do you know when he’s just not that into you?

I’ve written about these two very items on my Easter Closet blog before and will give their synopsis here.

 

“Can Girls Ask Guys Out“

YES!…and No! Here are two ways you can ask them out without asking them out.

1. Find a random place, like, Pizzeria 712, and say,

“Hey [insert name of the super hot boy whom you Facebook stalked for an hour yesterday], have you ever been to Pizzeria 712?” If he says yes OR if he says no, then say, “Well we should totally go there sometime!”

2. Or “This Wednesday night is 2 for one pie night at Village Inn!! We should totally go. Pie’s on me!”

If he doesn’t respond to either of those, then continue to read.

 

“How to Know WHEN TO STOP“

There is a simple 3 point formula.
1 point: txt msg, fbook wall post, email/fbook message, call without message
2 points: call with message, random drop by
3 points: random drop by + nice note/baked goods

As you do those things, you get points. As they do them back to you, you get minus those points. Stop contacting when you get to 3 points.

It is that simple.

So in conclusion, if these boys don’t have the khutspah to ask you out after you tried both ways of asking them out without asking them out and you get to three points…then move on. Just move on.

Because in the end, you deserve to be liked. You deserved to be liked a lot. And there is only one person you need to convince that you are worth it: yourself.

Man to Man: Tribute to Girls

We’re proud to welcome a new blogger to our Man to Man team. As the newest addition to our guy panel, Mont is here to chime in with answers to your questions about the dating world. As always, shoot us an email (proxeeconsulting@gmail.com) or respond in the comments and we’ll pass along your question to our team.

To kick off what is sure to be the first of many posts, he’s submitted a sweet tribute to women. Don’t be fooled by the title though — guys, he has some thoughts for you too.

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This is my tribute to the girls who are overlooked, who become friends & nothing more and think it is because they are doing something wrong.

This is for the girls who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug & supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times.

This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect & that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either.

For the girls who flirt & laugh over the slightest glance, whisper, or touch and that hope that maybe, just maybe this time he’ll have understood.

This is a homage to the girls who laugh & do it often, who are comfortable in skirts & sweats, who care more than they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention.

This is for the girls who have been in trenches, who have watched with a broken heart other girls time & time again fake up & make up & mess up the guys in their lives.

This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it’s an experience that they don’t want to miss out on, for the girls who have sought a night with friends & been greeted by a night of rude catcalls, explicit invitations and that they’d rather not have experienced.

This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages or aim profiles, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time & time again dropped him hint after hint after hint, only to watch him chase after another girl.

This is for the girls who have been told that they are too good or too smart or too pretty.

This is for the girls who have been led on by words & kisses & touches, all of which were either only true for the moment or never real to begin with.

This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their heart, only to discover that he’s just not ready, he’s just not over “her”, or he’s just not looking to be tied down.

This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken, & their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place.

This is for the nights spent dissecting every word & syllable & inflection in his speech, and for the nights when you’ve returned home feeling alone.

This is for the night you convinced yourself that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the “I really like you, so let’s still be friends” comment after you read all the signals wrong.

This is for the hugs you’ve received from your female friends, for the nights they’ve reassured you that you are beautiful & intelligent & amazing & loyal & truly worthy of a great guy.

This is for the girls who have been used & abused, who have endured what he was giving because she couldn’t make herself believe he didn’t deserve her.

This is for the girls who have been satisfied with too little & who have learned never to expect anything more. For the girls who don’t think that they deserve more because they’ve been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don’t understand: us men sitting & questioning & whining that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them & belittle them & don’t appreciate them & don’t want them.

Us men who complain that we will never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested & compelling who are intelligent & sweet, smart, & beautiful. We despair that no good women want to share in our lives, that girls play mind games, that girls love to keep us hanging, yet, I have to ask:
Are we to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrilling, compelling, intelligent & sweet and beautiful & smart girls, are we to give her our number & wait for her to call, & if we were to receive a call from her the next day, & she in her truthful, loyal, intelligent, and straightforward nice girl fashion were to tell us that she finds us intriguing & attractive & interesting & worth her time & perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would we not immediately call our friends to tell them of the “stalker chick” we met the night prior, who called & wore her heart on her sleeve, & told the truth? & would we not refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again & once again return to the party scene & search once more for this “nice girl” who we just cannot seem to find?

Because there in lies the truth.
Nice girls are everywhere, but maybe we are not looking for a nice girl, were not looking for someone genuinely interested in our intramural basketball game, or our anatomy midterm grade, or that argument we keep having with our parents.

Maybe we’re looking for a quick fix. A night when we can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as quick as the night itself.

Perhaps we shouldn’t say we’re on the lookout for a nice girl, when we pass her up every day.

If we truly were, we’d see her right in front of us.

Notes for Girls: How can I tell if he’s interested in me?

This week’s featured question comes from one of our women readers and was answered by our ever-insightful Dave. She asks:

“How can a girl tell if a guy is interested in her?”

As is true with many of these posts, there is no definitive way to tell if a guy is interested in you.  It varies so much from one guy to the next that I couldn’t possibly give you a perfect system.  I can, however, tell you how you would know if I were interested.

Initial contact

Before you’ve gone on a date, if he’s interested in you, he will try to talk to you.

This is the most sure-fire way to tell if a guy is interested.  However, many guys are patient and a little hesitant when it comes to walking up to girls they don’t know and introducing themselves.  We guys are into playing it cool, so some guys wait for either the right opportunity (an introduction or any kind of ‘in’) or for you to talk to them.  I don’t think it’s too forward for a girl to start a first conversation with a guy—in fact I think most guys appreciate it.  Usually this conversation will be small talk to start to get to know a little about one another.

Personally, I usually won’t ask for your number at this stage, but this is going to vary a lot from guy to guy.  I will most often wait until another time to ask you out on a date.

There are a couple of lessons to take from this, one is that you shouldn’t decide a guy’s not interested because he doesn’t come right up and introduce himself.  Some guys will, but many of us are just not that bold.  Another is that you shouldn’t pay too much attention to how the conversation went (unless it was just awful), because both you and he may have been really nervous.  Also, just because he didn’t go for your number doesn’t mean that he’s not interested.  Remember, many guys are patient and are into playing it cool.

The Rule of Contact

Prior to the first conversation there are not too many sure-fire ways to tell if a guy is into you, but afterwards there are a few basic things to look for.  The first is the Rule of Contact.  Now that you’ve had a chance to talk once in the past, the next time he sees you he will do everything he can to come and talk to you.  Any excuse he can think of—even if it’s something as lame as talking about the weather or his favorite brand of ice cream.  This is the general rule: if he’s into you and you’ve already met, he will try to make contact.  Don’t give up if you see him at one place and he doesn’t make it over to talk to you.  But, if you see him at a few parties and he doesn’t attempt to talk to you, then he’s probably not interested.

The Rule of Flirting

At some point he is going to ask you out on a date.  There are so many complexities that play into how guys show whether they are interested on a date—it’s going to be different for every guy, but I can think of one clear way to tell that he is interested: flirting.  The Rule of Flirting is simple: if he flirts with you then he is probably into you.  Does he tease you (in a funny/nice way)?  Does he look for excuses to touch your arm?  Do the two of you laugh together when you’re out on a date?

The Rule of ‘We Should’

Next is the Rule of ‘We Should’.  This is where you’re on a date and he says something like, “You like to [insert activity]?  We should do it together sometime.”

This is him testing the waters and it is VERY important that you respond appropriately.  If he suggests that you play tennis together you should be enthusiastic and say: “I’d love to play with you sometime.”

If he suggests something you don’t feel comfortable with, you should throw out an alternative: “I’m not really sure about waterskiing behind your snowmobile, but I’d love to go longboarding sometime.”

If you’re not interested in going out again, be sure you don’t sound enthusiastic when he suggests doing something in the future, and definitely don’t suggest an alternative.

The Rule of Priority

After the date some guys like to make sure a girl knows that they had a good time by trying to stay in contact with her, but without being too blatant.  For example, if you text him that you had a good time after he drops you off he may text you back ‘thanks’ and something trying to confirm future plans or, at the very least, a ‘talk to you soon’.  Then he should try to contact you again sometime in the next couple of days either to just be in touch or to set up another date.

This is the Rule of Priority (it’s closely related to the Rule of Contact), which is that if a guy is into you then he will make contacting you a priority.  He should try his best to make sure you hear from him so that you know that you are officially a priority.

The Rule of It’s Not That Simple

This is the hardest part of the whole thing, it drives both guys and girls crazy sometimes.  This is the Rule of It’s Not That Simple.  It is that at any given time a guy probably has more than one girl he’s interested in until he’s in a relationship.

This makes things complicated sometimes but it is part of dating.  At some point the guy is going to have to decide to date only one of the girls he’s going out with.  If he has been taking out three girls simultaneously then this means that two of them will stop getting calls from him.  Personally, I try to do this gradually but occasionally it is abrupt.  And it happens both ways—I can think of times when I’ve been having a great time with a girl and I’ve thought that things were going well until she suddenly stops returning calls.  This is probably because she has been going out with a few different people and has decided to commit to one.

In my experience, the only remedy to this is to make sure that you always have more than one person you’re interested in until you’re in a relationship.  And if you don’t then you need to spend time with your friends and go to parties to meet new people.

Friends, hobbies, and other prospects are the best cure for the Rule of It’s Not That Simple.

A Brief Summary:

1. The Rule of Contact: after the first contact has been made you can tell if a guy is interested in you by whether or not he initiates future contact and asks you out.
2. The Rule of Flirting: every guy is different on dates but flirting is a pretty safe positive sign—if he flirts, he likes you.  Be sure to flirt back if you like him.
3. The Rule of ‘We Should’: if a guy suggests you do something together then he is expressing interest.
4. The Rule of Priority: a guy who is interested will make you a priority.  You can tell this by whether he calls or texts you.
5. The Rule of It’s Not That Simple: the guy you are going on dates with is probably going out with other girls at the same time.  This is often the explanation behind why a guy you think is into you doesn’t call—he may have started dating someone else.  All sorts of erratic behavior can be explained by this rule.  Be sure that you are dating other people as long as he is.

Notes for Girls: The Point System, part 2

Welcome to part 2 of Notes for Girls: The Point System! If you haven’t read the post before this, please check it out first and then come back to this one!

This time we have Dave weighing in on things that a girl can do that will add/take away from a date. Enjoy!

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Just as there are certain things guys can do to earn/lose points on a date, there are also things girls can do. Here is a list of some of the most common ones I’ve found.

 

PLUS POINTS

+1 for balanced conversation.

+1 for laughing.  Guys love a girl with a good sense of humor.

+1 for showing interest in getting to know a guy.  If this date is the beginning of a relationship it is important that you are interested in becoming a part of his life (not uprooting him from it).  You show this by learning about him and the people who are important in his life.

+1 for smelling good.  Not a necessity, but a definite plus.  I’ve never met a guy who doesn’t like a little good perfume.

+1 for being real.  One time I went out with a girl and she butchered a joke and then said something like, “can you tell I don’t tell jokes well?”  Which was more funny and attractive to me than any joke she might have told.

+1 for being responsive and encouraging.  Some girls really are not good at showing when they are interested.  I have posted in the past about a couple of things we guys look for to know if a girl wants to go out again.  Don’t be too forward, but please try to make sure we know if you’re having a good time.

+1 for having a good attitude and being patient if things don’t work out as planned.  Sometimes events sell out, places have long lines, and restaurants have bad food.  Guys love it when a girl can have a good time anyway.

 

MINUS POINTS

-1 for flirting with other guys.  This is not to say that you aren’t allowed to talk to other guys while on a date, but know that you’re walking a fine line and when you start to flirt with them it’s going to make your date think that you’re rude and not interested.

-1 for not being patient if we’re a little late.  If we’re more than 10 minutes late without letting you know then I think you have a right to be a little bugged, but a few minutes late should not be grounds for being upset—it makes you seem really high-maintenance.

-1 point for only talking about herself.  In this situation a guy may return home feeling ostracized by a date.  This happened to me on a set-up a few weeks ago.  I don’t remember her asking me a single question about me but I knew all about every vacation she had been on in the last five years.  I felt left out of the conversation even though I was the only other person in it.  Then, a couple of days later, as I was talking to my friend who had set us up I was shocked when he told me that she wanted to go out again.  Talking only about yourself sends a message that you’re not interested and it will probably make the guy not want to take you out again.

-1 for saying something like, “good times” too much.  Many of us have these kinds of “go to phrases” that we use to avoid awkward silences.  In reality, a couple seconds of silence are much less awkward than saying random words that don’t really mean anything.  Instead, try to quietly think of a question you could ask.

 

The points to remember on a date are to be yourself, share conversation, and make sure the guy knows you are having a good time!

Notes for Girls: The Point System, part 1

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how guys can get/lose points on dates. From that post, we received this question from Kimberly:

It would be fun to get a guy’s perspective on this. What can girls do to earn or lose points on a date?

That is a great question, and we got two of the guys on our team to write-up a point system for girls.

Starting us off on this two-parter is Dr. Joe, with some great + and – moves that girls can make on a date. Enjoy!

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By special request of the Proxee admins, I shall endeavor to shed some light on a “point system” that could be applicable to girls. Now, granted, per Dave and Danielle, there is no “ultimate recipe” for a perfect date. Much as some people hate to admit it (as they think it makes them shallow [it doesn't]) a lot does depend on the ever-elusive “chemistry” and the personalities of those involved. However, there are a number of things to consider which can increase the probability of a second date.

+ side (DO’s):

1) DO set the guy at ease. Believe it or not, a lot of us guys are extremely nervous about interacting with you wonderful ladies out there. Most of this comes from the fact that we are painfully aware of the differences in the ways that guys and girls think, and are afraid of any negative spin that could be placed on actions (consider the short debate about opening doors above). So laugh a little. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Be spontaneous (props to Josh for pointing that one out). Smile. This shows that you are comfortable enough with yourself and him to not take offense at any little oversights he might make, and you can ignore these and get on with the date.

2) DO find a common interest(s), something you are both passionate about, and capitalize on that during your conversation. Now, it sounds rather cheesy to say “Hey, what do you like to do?” at the beginning of every date. Always important to do some initial sleuthing during step one above, and then explore areas that he’s hinted at interests in. What is he interested in? That completely depends on the man in question. It could be cars, fishing, martial arts, or Jimmer, but just because he’s “a guy,” don’t assume he doesn’t have some of the more “cultured” interests. Explore everything–reading, art, even philosophy if you feel so inclined–after all, you’re getting to know each other. You may be surprised by what you find, and your sincere interest in him will increase the likelihood of a repeat appointment.

3) Have to agree with Dave that some kind of touch is always a positive thing, with the “arm touch” topping the list in effectiveness. It must be used sparingly to be effective, however, as repeated touching can get uncomfortable and confuse him about your intentions.

4) As in any interaction where you’re trying to gain another’s trust, it is always important to be yourself. Be who you are, whether you’re a little shy or naturally outgoing. If he’s interested, he’ll figure out your personality and begin to play off of you. If there’s no interest, you’ll have a great time regardless. At the very least, it shows that you are comfortable with him seeing your true colors and confident about your worth.  If you aren’t being true to your typical behavior, he may become confused and decide that, no matter how much he likes you, dating is not worth the effort, as he never knows quite what to expect.

5) Wit also earns big points. If you can think fast on on your feet, it not only shows your confidence but keeps him entertained and engaged in your company. Guys hate being bored on a date!

6) Be appreciative. I think this one kind of speaks for itself. Thank him, talk about how you enjoyed yourself, and acknowledge the thought and planning that went into the date as circumstances allow.

- side (DON’T's):

1) DON’T be Clingy: Showing emotion is OK, as long is it’s consistent, but being hyperfocused on any guy is creepy. Don’t do it.

2) DON’T Make him do all the talking: The reason he asked you out is to get to know you. Reward him by responding with mid-length, thoughtful answers to his cues. One word answers and short responses don’t make for a very smooth date. Pull an equal weight, and the cart tends to go down the road a bit more smoothly that way.

3) DON’T Constantly talk: Now, I know I just said to talk. But if you never let him get a word in edgewise he’s not likely to enjoy himself either. As I said above, there has to be dialogue to make the date enjoyable. Everyone loves talking about themselves (making us all somewhat narcissistic I suppose), and you can encourage this by asking questions yourself.

and finally

4) DON’T be passively agreeable: Put some effort into it! If you don’t like something, say so. Contrary to popular belief, a woman who stands up for herself and is confident about her likes and dislikes is much more attractive than one that just goes along for the ride!

Well, there are some great points to remember on a date. Happy dating!

Dr. Joe

Submitted Story: Ladies, Let Men be Men

Today’s Submitted Story comes from Lynda, where she talks about the importance of letting guys date traditionally. Enjoy!

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As a single girl dating in today’s society, I try to be as courteous as I can to men. Knowing that the playing field is more level than it has ever been in respects to money/time/energy, I try to come across as unselfish and equal by sharing the weight in the dating game. Granted, I still expect a man to open my door, pay if he asks me out, and other traditional things, but I would always try to make things more “equal” by not making a man drive. Like, I would meet him at his place, or at the restaurant, or at wherever we were going to go so that way I felt like it wasn’t all on him.

One time, after I had gone out with the same guy a few times, he asked me, “Do you have a reason why you won’t ever let me pick you up at your place?”

I was speechless. He went on to talk about how he likes to be traditional… I said something in response, but I felt really bad. All this time I had thought I was being considerate of his time and money, showing that I was willing to invest in the evening as well, trying to make his life easier… when in reality I wasn’t letting him date me the way he wanted to date me. Here I was with the huge double standard of expecting men to be traditional, but then not giving them the chance.

So ladies, I write this to help you realize that most of the men you want to date actually WANT to date you traditionally. Don’t try to ease the guilt today’s society has placed on you— that you are a burden— by making the date gender-neutral.

Don’t let society put that guilt on you.

Wipe it aside, let him pick you up, let him get your door, and be ok with the fact that he wants to do those things for you.