Man to Man: Confidence Tricks

Let’s all admit it. Everyone is a little nervous on the first date. Some more so than others. But guys, girls are attracted to a confident man, and so that is the man you want to be. Not sure how to do it? Well, Dave’s here with some tips and tricks to help pull off the confident vibe—no matter how nervous you are!

Take it away Dave!

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The idea behind having confidence on a date is to make the real you shine. Here are a few ideas I have for how you can show some confidence without sacrificing what makes you special.

Recognize that you have some great things to offer and to share with a girl.

Whatever it is; if you love fishing or comic books, cooking or running, there are things that are unique to you, and you should realize that there is a girl out there who will be interested in those things.

So step one is recognize your interests and own them. If you’re not sure what your interests are, sit down and make a list of 100 things you love (not an easy task—you’ll probably start to run out of ideas at some point but work through it). When you’re on a date, don’t be afraid to share about the things you love, just remember to also ask her about her favorite things as well.

Don’t be intimidated by a girl who others may say is “out of your league”.

Is she a supermodel? Does she have a PhD? Could she beat you at any game you ever play? Doesn’t matter.

Remember that there are different kinds of smart, attractive, funny, talented, etc. A girl getting a PhD in astrophysics may not be too impressed by the fact that you rode a bull for 10 seconds but that doesn’t mean you aren’t equally as talented, just in different ways. What one person finds really impressive may not be all that great to another. So take what you’re good at and run with it, and don’t be intimidated!

Have good posture and try to keep your hands out of your pockets.

I include this only because bad posture is not part of your personality, so leaving it behind isn’t going to affect who you are. A confident man stands tall and walks with an attitude that he knows where he’s going. I would be shocked if I ever heard a girl say, “I really liked him but he stood up just a little too straight for me”. That’s not to say that it hasn’t ever happened, but good posture is going to improve your odds. It exudes confidence in a good way.

Don’t be embarrassed if you’re not a flashy person.

If you don’t like spending money on things like clothes or cars it’s ok—just be sure you are comfortable with it. If you’re not a high roller then you shouldn’t try to cover that up to win a girl. It’s not conducive to a good long-term relationship because someday the truth will come out and then she may feel deceived.

Now, be sure to put yourself together well, have clean and freshly pressed clothes and a good shower, but know that if you are confident in who you are and what you wear she will take note.

Be interesting.

Discover the things that make you unique and special—the things you like about yourself—and don’t be hesitant to share them with your dates. Read books, take classes, watch popular shows, and other things that spark your interests. If you have a lot of stuff going on in your life then you have an interesting person to present, both to yourself and her, and that will help you find commonalities and similar interests that give to easy conversation.

Remember to laugh off mishaps.  

Things go wrong on dates sometimes. You get lost. You miss the movie because of traffic. That’s ok, she understands. The last thing you need to do it become upset. A confident man is ok with plan B’s and even plan C’s. Your ability to adapt smoothly to different situations and not take it so seriously will impress her, and make her feel like she is with a guy who can take care of both himself and her.

Well, there you have it! A few tips to help you stay cool and calm on that first date!

Are you being too forward?

Wow! Fall can be a busy time, as our blog has found out. But we are back with some tips on the balance of showing interest and seeming desperate.

Once upon a time, a girl went on a blind date with a really nice guy. There was interest, they had good conversation, and agreed they should go on a second date that Thursday.

Then, they had a text conversation that went like this:

Boy: Hey thanks again for going to lunch yesterday. Would you like to go see (insert movie here) with me later on if you don’t have plans?

Girl: I actually am busy all day, but are we still on for Thursday?

Boy: Yeah. Anytime I could see you.

Girl: Ok.

Boy: Yeah, I would like to see you. I will hold back my words though.

Girl: I look forward to seeing you too.

Boy: Ok, anytime you can see me let me know and I will make it work.

Girl: Ok.

Boy: Even if it is for a short time. Am I too forward?

Girl: It’s ok.

Boy: I just want to be up front and tell you how I feel.

Girl: That is nice of you.

Boy: Too bad you have plans. But it is good to be busy.

Girl: Yup!

Boy: I am excited to see you again.

Girl: Same.

Boy: Thursday can’t come fast enough!

Girl: (no response)

The boy’s intense and forward conversation raised the caution flag for the girl.

Why was he being so forward? He barely knew her.

That Thursday, he took her on a date that lasted quite a while, ending with the girl having to ask the boy to take her home.

The girl did not go on another date with him after that.

Now, let’s take a closer look at this scenario. What went wrong?

Here is what you need to remember:

• If you ask a girl out on a second date, she knows you are interested in her.
• If a girl agrees to go out with you again, she is interested in you.

That is the basic formula for second dates. I know you want to tell her that you are really into her and could see yourself marrying and having a wonderful life together, but resist!

“But! But! I want to be honest with her and how I feel! Honesty is important in dating.” you may say.

Yes. Honesty is very important when it comes to dating. However, there is a difference between being honest and being forward.

Being honest is telling her once that you had a great time, found her easy to talk to, and are excited to see her again. Being forward is telling her over and over that you will do whatever it takes to see her again. The latter often come across as desperate to a girl. And no guy wants to be seen as desperate!

This is how the texting conversation should have gone:

Boy: Hey thanks again for going to lunch yesterday. Would you like to go see (insert movie here) with me later on if you don’t have plans?

Girl: I actually am busy all day, but are we still on for Thursday?

Boy: Yeah. I look forward to seeing you again.

Girl: Same!

Boy: I am still figuring out where we should go on Thursday and will let you know within the next couple days, so stay tuned!

Girl: I’m excited!

Boy: (end conversation, and don’t contact her for at least 12 hours)

The thing with girls is that we do want to be pursued in the good old-fashioned way, and we do want a guy to tell us he is interested, but we do not want to feel we are being pursued by someone who is so desperate for a girlfriend they have already placed us into that role. Believe me, it freaks most girls out.

So, moral of this situation: Stay cool, stay calm, pursue her, but don’t smother her! Ease into all the cute stuff, after a few dates she will love to hear it. Just not at the beginning.

Ask the Proxies: Good Questions.

Hello daters! With Friday already upon us, we hope that some of you called/were called a few days ago for a date and are now looking forward to a fun and organized outing this weekend!

We recently received a question from “C” and think that it is a perfect post to kickoff the weekend.

I can say that I’m a fairly personable chap, and have no trouble in starting and contributing to a conversation …when I know the people in it.

There are times when I’m on a date (mostly firsts) when the conversation flows like the Mississippi and other times it feels like it’s molasses in January. What are some good questions I can ask on my first dates to get the ball rolling?

 

That is a fantastic question “C”, and so we asked some of our bloggers to come up with both basic and unique questions that you can have on reserve if that first-date conversation starts lagging.

 

Here are some good questions for dates:

Where are they from?

How did they like growing up there?

What is their family like?

What made them move to (insert location)?

Where have they lived besides those places?

Have they done any traveling recently/are going to travel/want to travel?

What do they do for a living/are going to school for?

What made him/her want to work/study in that field?

What do they want to do with their degree after they finish?

What do they like to do on the weekends/evenings/outside?

Do they have any pets? Do they even like pets?

Do they speak another language?

Are they involved in any extra curricular activities?

What was the last thing they bought at the store?

What kind of music do they like?

Do they watch any TV shows religiously?

What is their favorite food?

What movies do they like? What was the last movie they saw?

With which of their siblings are they closest?  Why?

What was the last activity they did with their friends?

What do they like to read?

Would they rather be at a live concert or a dance?

Are they a shopaphobe or a shopaholic?

Have they ever ran a red light?

Would they rather buy one expensive thing that they know will last or a less expensive thing that may not last as long?

Where do they want to live in the future?

Is there some store/restaurant/other place they do not like to go to?

Have they ever written anything?  If they were to write a book or a movie, what would it be about?

If they could be any kind of animal, what would they be and why?

If they could be any superhero who would it be and why?

Do they play any musical instruments?

Are they spontaneous? Or do they always need a plan? Ask for an example.

What are some of the little things that they appreciate about their life?

Do they have any pet peeves?

What job(s) did they have growing up?

Do they like the sunset or sunrise better?

Do they have/ever had a nickname? What’s the story behind it?

What kinds of things really make them laugh?

 

The thing is to always remember to play off of the conversation as it flows. If he/she talks a lot about traveling, then say something like “sounds like travel is a big priority for you…have you always liked it?” That helps the other person transition from telling you about traveling to telling you WHY they like traveling. The whole goal is to create a basic conversation that leads into more personal conversation. Normally you can’t just jump straight to personal topics, you must ease into them. You must establish foundation of comfort and trust for that next level of conversation to flow, and the super basic questions are the ones that will get you there.

Try to memorize a few of these questions for when you get past the “How was your week?” talk, and then just remember to listen for clues and cues in the conversation that can help move you past these basic questions and into more a meaningful discussion.

 

Hope that helps.

Please comment/email in with any date questions you think are either excellent or awful to ask on a first date!

 

Happy weekend!

 

Ask the Proxies: The Dreaded DTR

Hello daters! We apologize for the short hiatus we took recently, life behind the scenes got quite busy, but we are back with even more dating tips and tricks to help you turn those summer flings into fall relationships!

To start things off, we have a excellent question that was emailed in by “R,” asking about when to know it is the right time for “the talk”:

Here’s a question for me and the men out there. The DTR talk. When should I have it, how should I bring it up without being intense? I’ve been dating a girl for 2 months now, and the lack of clarity on what we are is killing me. I met her family already. Should I bring it up? Or for all guys, what should we expect in this area?

That is both a great and difficult question to answer. While every situation is different, here are some basic rules to go by. Enjoy!

The DTR. Just its name makes the bravest soul sweat.

When to have it? How to bring it up? How to react to what they say?

These are all very important questions, and I am here to shed a little light on the matter.

First. The bigger deal you make it, the bigger deal it becomes.

The most important thing to remember is that this person HAS gone on several dates with you (hopefully), so obviously they like spending time with you. Now, the closer the dates are in relation another, the more committed the person already is to putting you in their schedule. It also is an indicator of how much they like to be with you, so bringing up the “where do we stand?” question is probably something the other is already expecting. I would say you are free to ask the question after about 1-2 months of actively and consistently dating that one person. However, each situation is different, so just feel out how far the two of you have progressed into couple-like land and then have the talk accordingly. You know what kind of communication makes that person comfortable, so strive for that.Whenever you do it, act confident and don’t put yourself down; if you play it casual and natural then odds are it won’t become a deep and serious talk that ends in you arguing about how many kids you want and then both of you freaking out.

Second. Have it at the end of a date.

You must do a DTR in person. No phone calls or texts. And asking the question at the end of the date gives you a quick exit if the conversation doesn’t go well. Just try to bring it up casually, and let them do most of the talking.

You’ve said what you want:

“Hey. So I think things are going really well between us, and would like it if we just dated each other and see where things go. What do you think?”

So then give them the floor to say how they feel. You can negotiate from there, but unless you know what they have in mind, there is no way you can enter into anything deeper than “I have already planned our future, just say yes.”  Which, for the record, is something you DON’T want to say.

Third. Be prepared for all outcomes.

No matter how confident you feel going in, there is no guarantee that they feel the same about the relationship. Now, be sure to read the signs while dating:

• Are they responding positively to all your moves and making moves of their own?
• How much time are they spending with you?
• Are they making plans with you for the future in conversation?
• Are they telling people they know about you/introducing you to their family and friends?
• Do they give you a lot of attention when not together (i.e. texting), and always have time to see you?

Those signs normally mean that they are bringing you slowly into their life, and see you as something more than just a causal date, but there is never a guarantee.

I’ve had guys that I swore were interested in something more than just a casual dating buddy take off running at the words “So I think I want to date just you.” But I’ve also had guys give me the “yah, that’s what I thought we were doing already” look when I’ve brought it up. You just can never know, but for most people the signs mentioned above are good indicators to how much this person wants you involved in their life.

The most important thing to remember when you are thinking of having a DTR is to put your needs first. Don’t let fear of the outcome keep you from asking. If you are feeling like you want to ask, it is because you need to know for your own emotional sanity. Granted, you can’t be speedy about it, but it is never fun to get yourself emotionally involved only to find out later that they were never planning on anything serious.

Brace yourself, have the talk, and be prepared for any outcome so that way you can either feel emotionally more secure and ease into the joys of an established relationship, or start the process of moving on.

We hope that helps, and would love to have you readers comment/email in your DTR opinions and stories for us to share!

`Danielle

Never Talk About Money

Bringing up the cost of dinner, the tip, how much you make at work, your lack of funds, or how draining dates are on your wallet is, as Dave sometimes says, No Bueno. It’s minus one million points.

You may not be able to recover from dropping a money related comment.

A story:

One time this totally awesome guy from my ward asked me out. He was cute, he was smart, he had a life plan, and I was really excited to go out with him. We were going to a football game on a double date with some other people he knew. The plan was to go to Carl’s Jr. and then walk to the stadium. Since it was such a casual date, Carl’s Jr. seemed totally appropriate.

I ordered something probably called, “The southwest guacamole burger.”  Including fries, the meal couldn’t have cost more than $5.

While we were eating with his friends, sitting in the booth, we were talking about our delicious burgers. And then, he said, “Yeah, I’ve been saving up for this date for a couple of weeks.”  Then he said something about the expense of my burger.

I suddenly realized he’d ordered something from the dollar menu…

I felt awful. I mean, we were at Carl’s Jr.—I didn’t even think something might be too expensive. I honestly felt really bad.

What you learn:

1. Make a picnic lunch if you can’t afford eating out.
2. Most normal girls (the kind who won’t go crazy after you marry them) gauge what they order off the price range of what you order. But, if you take a girl to the Olive Garden and she orders the most expensive entree on the menu—don’t say one single word. If it ticks you off—just don’t take her out again.

Another story:

One time I went out with this guy. I wasn’t really sure if we were a match, but I was super intrigued by him. He was brilliant—and I always sort of love a guy who can discuss quantum physics. On our way to the date activity, we were going to stop and get something to eat. As we were driving down 5th south in Salt Lake City, he said, “Is it okay if we go to Cafe Rio?” And then as a side comment, “I don’t have very much money.”

He was just nervous. The side comment was probably word vomit. But, it doesn’t change the result—I became a financial burden. All flirtatious energy was deleted forever.

What you learn:

1. Never make the girl feel like a financial burden because she’ll want to make your life easier and not go out with you again. We’re not offended. We just feel really really bad.
   
2. Money-stress is not conducive to feeling flirtatious.

Another story:

One time I went out with this guy, and as we were walking off the front porch, he took a paycheck out of his pocket and handed it to me. He said, “I have to cash this before my trip.” And then he took it back.

What you learn:

1. Just like its impolite to ask how much money someone makes, it’s impolite to tell someone how much money you make. If a girl asks you how much you make before she’s your exclusive girlfriend—it’s an absolute RED FLAG. Do not take her out again.
   
2. Most normal girls do not care how much money you make or don’t make. They do care if you have goals and motivation. These sorts of things reveal themselves naturally in conversations.
3. If you talk about how much you make (or don’t make), she will think you’re insecure.
4. Insecurity about money is the kiss of death.

The key is confidence. You don’t have to brag. You don’t need the self-conscious side comments. Just let it be. The best thing about a date is that its designed to be persuasive. It’s really not about how much money is spent or not spent. And it’s definitely not about how much money you make at work.

If you can take a girl to dinner or the symphony or tubing down the river—if you can organize it, if you can have polite conversation, if you can open her doors—you win. YOU WIN! Even if she is not into you—she will be impressed that you were able to conduct yourself with confidence and kindness. And she will tell her friends.

And if she’s into you—you’ll get a second date.

See also: Blatant Budgeting & Tip Karma

What Women Want: Compliments

A common complaint that we hear from women is that men don’t know how to communicate. “He won’t open up about his feelings,” “He never tells me anything,” “He doesn’t compliment me.” Sounds like a jerk, right?

We also hear, “She’s always fishing for compliments!” and “Why won’t she stop talking?” from the men.

 

Here at Proxee Consulting we don’t think the problem is that men don’t communicate well, or that women communicate too much. It’s that they communicate differently.

 

Imagine this:
Girls, you are going to lunch with your best friends. When they arrive at the restaurant, how often is the first thing you say to them “You look great!/That shirt looks fantastic on you!/I love your hair, it’s so shiny!”? Even through the rest of the conversation, compliments are sprinkled in. Job woes? “That’s okay, you’re brilliant anyway.” Guy didn’t call you back? “You are so amazing. It’s his loss.” Even when we are discussing problems, we spend a significant amount of time reaffirming each other.

Guys, what would be the response if the first thing you said to your guy friend was “Hey, those jeans make your butt look fantastic!”? Or maybe, “The spikes in your hair really give out a whole sexy, bad boy vibe.” It’d be weird, right? That’s because that is not how guys usually communicate with each other.

Girls grow up learning that they must communicate to cooperate. We foster goodwill through compliments, rising intonations, and being less direct and more detailed. This is how we form bonds and feel connected to each other. It’s easy for us to feel disconnected when we’re confronted with a guy who communicates in a different way.

Compare it to going to a different country. Even if you speak the language, the underlying customs and value system can be barriers to effectively expressing yourself. For example, if a native Mandarin speaker tells you that you speak their language well, your first instinct would be to thank them. That’s what you would do in America, right? Unknown to you, in China it is considered haughty not to brush off praise. Instead of showing humility by denying the truth of the compliment, you come off as arrogant. Even though you two were speaking the same language, you weren’t communicating effectively because you didn’t understand the other person’s expectations.

Dating involves both people coming together and learning each other’s personal cultures. When guys get frustrated because girls aren’t direct enough, it’s because girls’ expressions don’t match what guys have deemed as proper communication. Likewise, the emphasis girls place on compliments might seem extreme, but it’s an important part of how we bond. Not because we’ll feel ugly unless you tell us otherwise (a secure girl won’t), but because by showing your appreciation in our own “language” it makes us feel a little more secure in the relationship.

Next time you’re out on a date, try making a conscious effort to sincerely compliment the woman you’re with. Not too much because that can make them seem insincere, or the situation awkward. Maybe just once or twice. Trust us, she’ll appreciate it.

Notes for Girls: The Point System, part 1

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how guys can get/lose points on dates. From that post, we received this question from Kimberly:

It would be fun to get a guy’s perspective on this. What can girls do to earn or lose points on a date?

That is a great question, and we got two of the guys on our team to write-up a point system for girls.

Starting us off on this two-parter is Dr. Joe, with some great + and – moves that girls can make on a date. Enjoy!

……………………………………………

By special request of the Proxee admins, I shall endeavor to shed some light on a “point system” that could be applicable to girls. Now, granted, per Dave and Danielle, there is no “ultimate recipe” for a perfect date. Much as some people hate to admit it (as they think it makes them shallow [it doesn't]) a lot does depend on the ever-elusive “chemistry” and the personalities of those involved. However, there are a number of things to consider which can increase the probability of a second date.

+ side (DO’s):

1) DO set the guy at ease. Believe it or not, a lot of us guys are extremely nervous about interacting with you wonderful ladies out there. Most of this comes from the fact that we are painfully aware of the differences in the ways that guys and girls think, and are afraid of any negative spin that could be placed on actions (consider the short debate about opening doors above). So laugh a little. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Be spontaneous (props to Josh for pointing that one out). Smile. This shows that you are comfortable enough with yourself and him to not take offense at any little oversights he might make, and you can ignore these and get on with the date.

2) DO find a common interest(s), something you are both passionate about, and capitalize on that during your conversation. Now, it sounds rather cheesy to say “Hey, what do you like to do?” at the beginning of every date. Always important to do some initial sleuthing during step one above, and then explore areas that he’s hinted at interests in. What is he interested in? That completely depends on the man in question. It could be cars, fishing, martial arts, or Jimmer, but just because he’s “a guy,” don’t assume he doesn’t have some of the more “cultured” interests. Explore everything–reading, art, even philosophy if you feel so inclined–after all, you’re getting to know each other. You may be surprised by what you find, and your sincere interest in him will increase the likelihood of a repeat appointment.

3) Have to agree with Dave that some kind of touch is always a positive thing, with the “arm touch” topping the list in effectiveness. It must be used sparingly to be effective, however, as repeated touching can get uncomfortable and confuse him about your intentions.

4) As in any interaction where you’re trying to gain another’s trust, it is always important to be yourself. Be who you are, whether you’re a little shy or naturally outgoing. If he’s interested, he’ll figure out your personality and begin to play off of you. If there’s no interest, you’ll have a great time regardless. At the very least, it shows that you are comfortable with him seeing your true colors and confident about your worth.  If you aren’t being true to your typical behavior, he may become confused and decide that, no matter how much he likes you, dating is not worth the effort, as he never knows quite what to expect.

5) Wit also earns big points. If you can think fast on on your feet, it not only shows your confidence but keeps him entertained and engaged in your company. Guys hate being bored on a date!

6) Be appreciative. I think this one kind of speaks for itself. Thank him, talk about how you enjoyed yourself, and acknowledge the thought and planning that went into the date as circumstances allow.

- side (DON’T's):

1) DON’T be Clingy: Showing emotion is OK, as long is it’s consistent, but being hyperfocused on any guy is creepy. Don’t do it.

2) DON’T Make him do all the talking: The reason he asked you out is to get to know you. Reward him by responding with mid-length, thoughtful answers to his cues. One word answers and short responses don’t make for a very smooth date. Pull an equal weight, and the cart tends to go down the road a bit more smoothly that way.

3) DON’T Constantly talk: Now, I know I just said to talk. But if you never let him get a word in edgewise he’s not likely to enjoy himself either. As I said above, there has to be dialogue to make the date enjoyable. Everyone loves talking about themselves (making us all somewhat narcissistic I suppose), and you can encourage this by asking questions yourself.

and finally

4) DON’T be passively agreeable: Put some effort into it! If you don’t like something, say so. Contrary to popular belief, a woman who stands up for herself and is confident about her likes and dislikes is much more attractive than one that just goes along for the ride!

Well, there are some great points to remember on a date. Happy dating!

Dr. Joe

Ask The Proxies: How should/shouldn’t I ask a girl out?

We received a question from “S” about the proper way to ask for a date. Here’s the question.

So, my question is what are some of the appropriate and non-appropriate ways to ask out a girl for a first date. And kind of a follow-up question to that is do those protocols change by how you met them (example, you met in class vs. you met them country dancing? It seems pretty universal about not asking on Facebook, but besides that I’ve heard conflicting messages about every other method.

Good question, S!

It sounds like you already have two of the most important parts of asking a girl on a date figured out.

1. Words should come from your mouth, not your fingers (no Facebook or texts!)

2. She should know who you are.

You’re also right when you say that there are different protocols for asking a girl out depending on the situation.

 

First, let us talk about ways NOT to ask a girl out on a date.

Any way you can text, chat, or email should not be used. To ask for a date, you want to keep it a bit more formal. Even if you have been texting her (you are already friends, you have been working on a project, etc.), be sure to call her/ask her in-person when you go for the date.

A good rule to live by is that on the phone and in-person are the only classy ways to ask a girl out.

 

Now, moving on to the ways TO ask a girl out.

From your question, these seem to be the type of situations you run into most often.

The girl you met…

1. …hanging out with mutual friends.

You’ve seen this girl a few times and have had a couple great conversations with her. Nothing too heavy, but enough to show you that you wouldn’t mind moving your conversations to a more private setting.

The good news is that you are pretty much set no matter how you approach this one. If you have her number, give her a call a few days before you want to take her out.

If you don’t have her number, you still have a couple options. You could ask her out in person the next time you see her. The exchange would probably go something like this:

You: Hey, I’d really like to take you to dinner sometime.

Her: That’d be great.

You: Great. Why don’t you give me your number so I can call you later and we can make plans?

The important part is getting her number even if you make the plans in person. You’ll need it in case you are going to be late, if you get lost on the way to pick her up, or if you want to go out again but don’t want to have an awkward post-date “Can I have your number” conversation.

Your second option is to get her number from a mutual friend. This way you won’t have to wait and spontaneously ask her out. Just remember to tell her when you call who you got her number from.

2. …in class/church.

You know her but she may or may not know you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been called up by a guy asking me out and I have no idea who he is. I’ll have to stall for time while my roommates and I play Private Investigators and search frantically through the ward directory, class rosters, and Facebook for anyone named “John Doe”. Once, I never did figure out who he was and I spent the rest of the semester studying faces and hoping my professor would call on him by name.

Don’t be that guy. Talk to her in person first. Make sure she knows your name.

There are a couple advantages to asking her out in-person. She’ll know exactly who you are because she’ll be looking right at you. You also see each other pretty often so the invitation comes off as more casual than it would if she knew you hunted down her number.

But what do you do if she bolts after class? Or misses church that week? Here are a couple tips for calling a girl who hasn’t given you her number:

1. Start by telling her your name.

2. Tell her where you know her from. Give extra prompts if you think she needs them (ie: “I talked to you in sacrament yesterday” vs “I’m in your ward”)

3. Tell her where you got her number.

4. Ask her out.

You: Hey, Kathy, it’s Brad. We sit next to each other in physics class.

Her: Oh, hi, Brad. What’s up?

You: I got your number from the class directory online because I wanted to see if you were free for dinner this weekend.

Her: That sounds great!

3. …randomly.

You said you go country dancing, but she could also be the girl you met at a coffee shop, in a bookstore, or on campus. The chances of you running into her again are slim to none but you know you want to see her again.

This is actually the simplest one. Start a conversation with her. Let her know you want to see her again. Get her number right then. Call within the next couple days so that you are still fresh in her mind. The more random/short the meeting, the sooner you should call. Set up a date.

If you really want to see a girl again, don’t rely on fate. I once had a guy yell my name across the mall because he remembered me from when I was going dancing the year before. He had a whole story about how he would see me every week and want to ask me out, but just when he had worked up the nerve, I stopped going dancing. Had he asked before he could have saved himself a year of waiting. Moral: take your chances while you have them!

 

Well, hope that helps. And remember: the more confident you are in yourself, the more she will want to go out with you. Even if you are nervous out of your mind, fake it. You are worth going out with, and she will see that through your confidence and the proper/personal way you ask her out.

-Jayme

Ask the Proxies: What does it mean if she talks about old boyfriends

I have a roommate who thinks it’s a good sign if a girl talks about ex-boyfriends on the first couple dates. Sometimes he gauges her level of interest based on how much she tells him about what happened. I think it’s weird. Am I wrong? Why do girls talk about their exes?—Email question from Anonymous in Draper.

Talking about or complaining about previous relationships is never a good idea on the first couple of dates. What guy wants to hear about some other guy over dinner?

Your roommate might think this is a good sign, but really it’s just a sign that she’s not over the ex yet. It’s a sign that she’s a little immature, and probably overly dramatic. Her willingness to share stories has nothing to do with interest and everything to do with sympathy & easy validation.

My friends and I call it the Cheeto theory, and it applies to men and women equally: Bonding over stories about the guy or girl you dated 3 years ago is like eating a huge, grocery-store bag of Cheetos.

It is. Once you start talking —you can’t stop yourself. In the process, you feel all close and chummy—but you reveal all sorts of insecurities and relationship issues with no real context. You may feel like “all the walls” are down, but really in five minutes you’re going to feel real sick: telling these stories sucks all the flirtatious energy out of the date (it’s difficult to banter during a dramatic tirade/confession).

It’s so easy. To tell those crazy stories. They are hilarious. They are amazing. They are shocking. That time you had that boyfriend who only ate quesadillas and chocolate chips? That time you had that girlfriend who left you for California right before you wanted to propose (but you never really wanted to marry her anyway)?—that was the worst. But, resist.

Just wait.

The Ping-Pong Conversation Strategy

Dating is stressful in many ways. That stress often detours actual dating because, I mean, who needs any more stress in their life?

One of the most stressful areas is conversation. What will we talk about? What should/shouldn’t I say? What if there is awkward silence?

Well, I’m here to help you with that.

The #1 thing I’ve noticed that guys do when nervous on a date is talk at the girl. Not with the girl, at her. Nonstop. She will learn everything about his job and his childhood and his favorite flavor of slurpie… but he will learn nothing about her. Now, there may be the narcissist here and there, but for the most part guys admit that it is just nerves.

There are a few reasons why it is so important to share conversation with the girl. It makes her feel that you are interested in more than her appearance, it makes her feel that you think she is worth getting to know, and it makes her feel that she is the complete focus of your attention that evening.

But how do you make conversation easy? How do you master it?

No fear, there is a quick trick!

 

I present to you: “the ping-pong conversation” strategy.

 

Just like in ping-pong, you play the dating game by keeping the conversation going back and forth across the “net.” Everyone likes to feel that the person they are with is interested in who they are, so keep it balanced. Have it in your court, bounce it to hers. If she is a good date she’ll bounce it back to you and the conversation will just flow! Guys who just talked about themselves the whole date were not guys I was charmed with at the end… and I’m sure it is the same thing if a guy is out with a girl who is obsessed with herself. You have one shot, so make her feel a part of the date by conversing with—not talking at—her.

If she asks you a question about yourself, answer and ask her the same question. If there is silence, ask her a random question. Respond to her answer with a similar story (if you have one). The thing that you have to master is the art of keeping a conversation going back and forth. When you don’t know what to say, have her talk so you can regroup. Something that I do before I go out is think of a list of questions I want to ask the person. Having that as your safety net will spare you from stumbling and awkward silence as you get to know each other.

 

Here is a list of basic questions that are always good to have handy:

Where is she from?

How did she like growing up there?

What is her family like?

What made her move to (insert location)?

Has she done any traveling recently/is going to travel/wants to travel?

What does she do for a living/is going to school for?

What made her want to work/study in that field?

What does she like to do on the weekends/evenings/outside?

Does she have any pets?

Is she involved in any extra curricular activities?

What kind of music does she like?

What is her favorite food?

What movies does she like?

 

There are several others, but hopefully those conversation starters will bring out similar interests/experiences that will springboard the conversation into a whole evening. If she seems passionate about a particular topic, find out why. This is not only a good time to be a great date, but also a fantastic time to see if YOU want to go on a second date with HER.

Seriously though, if she is obsessed with her 25 cats and you don’t like cats, talking at her the whole time will not get you that important bit of information.

So, just remember to “ping-pong” the conversation…and if you err, err on the side of having her talk more than you. You won’t regret it.

`Danielle